My Girls

Matt Domino witnessed the cult of Lena Dunham at the New Yorker Festival this weekend.

Cold Days, Warm Cable Box: What to Watch This Winter

Meredeth Barzen makes her Puddles of Myself debut by giving lazy people a fantastic guide to the upcoming television season.

Pace Yourself

With the end of Season 2 of Treme, Matt Domino takes a look at the series and why its pacing means everything.

In The Heart of The Heart of My Bookshelf, Volume IV

Another day, another post, my Puddlers. It is getting cold outside and when you start feeling lonely, when the bitter winds of winter make you not want to get out of your bed or turn off the TV, then you might as well forget about having any kind of social life, keep the TV on and prop your laptop in front of your face with this blog right in your face.  Then, you can scroll through all of this terrific "cold-weather" content while getting crumbs of your favorite snack all over your dirty sweatshirt and learning valuable lessons about life - while staying far-removed from it.  I'm there for you.

I will have the tweaked Puddles of My Podcast Episode 26 up for you later this evening.  However, now a man with some actual real intelligence and valid opinion is here to weigh in. It's Tuesday, so here is Alex Ramsdell with another entry into "In The Heart of The Heart of My Bookshelf."


30 Rock is Unfair: A Case for Malcolm in the Middle


Alex Ramsdell

It seems like Network TV sit-com has reached a level of sophistication that is in many ways reflecting its audience more carefully and successfully.  The laugh track is gone, the mechanics are lean, the humor is quick and current and the stage can go anywhere.  The result is that the scope of the show--the degree to which it escapes from the humdrum of its location and still hooks you--is becoming more and more involved in its audience's demand to be entertained in a sophisticated manner.  In 30 Rock, there are at least three sub-plots and a slew of recurring character-based motifs going on in each episode.  There is a “massiveness” to a show like this and it somehow lives within the boundaries of the mundane.   It may be appropriate to call it hyper-mundane, for the sophistication lies in its laborious and formally supercharged way of expressing the working week of a few network television employees.  I must admit, I took to 30 Rock immediately, but have come to enjoy it less so, or I should say that I like it the same, but feel the urge to watch it less.  The quality of the writing has always been stellar.  It's the formal aspect: the rapid cuts, the quick, reference-laden dialogue, the general degree to which the show is prevented from pause.  There is no rest, and in this way it does reflect its audience.  I would venture to say that you won't catch someone actually breathing at all on 30 Rock, unless it is part of an explicit joke poking fun at Liz Lemon's weird way of breathing.  This seems significant to me. 

The fact is, I don't watch 30 Rock nearly as much any more because it reminds me that I'm watching a television show, meaning that I'm consuming my time with these teeny little scenes all jammed together, which don't really seem to add up to much or sustain themselves in my mind after the episode is over.  The show reminds me of novelty.  Isn't the virtue of diversion-by-network-TV its capacity for entertaining you with consequence-less and implausible comedic situations?  The fact that 30 Rock is first rate for its time doesn't diminish the fact that the machinery of its delivery is so rapid that you don't have time to think before the next scene arrives. Over time, this rapidity brings about not a sustained sense of reality to its situation, the NBC network, but a kind of extra-situational annoyance: hypermodernity.  The kind of truncated, pause-less beating of the heart of everyday life from which there is no rest: at work, in the street, on the phone, on the internet.

Let us hearken back to the year Y2K, when Malcolm in the Middle announced to the world a particularly goofy inflection of life's major lesson, chiefly that "life is unfair."  It ran with this maxim for six seasons, involving us to the full extent in the hermetic politics of a middle class suburban family.  Though the story is told through the perspective of Malcolm, an overly-intelligent but still bone-headed middle child, it finds a way to encompass a family's strange way of coping with one another through various modes of conflict, such as kid vs. parent, men vs. mom, brother vs. brother, and father vs. son.

One of my favorite episodes is "Red Dress," a classic “sons vs. mom” episode, in which Lois (Malcolm's mother) buys a dress for her and Hal's (Malcolm’s father) anniversary and later finds the dress in the toilet, seemingly having been burned and hidden in a moronic fashion.  What proceeds is a pastiche on political interrogation in which Lois puts the three boys, Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey, through military style divide-and-conquer examination in an effort to elicit the truth about the dress.  We find her at first coaxing them with "name brand" orange soda, a substitute for conventional cigarette at the interrogation table. When they don't give in, she forces them to make themselves dizzy by spinning around in circles with a baseball bat - a benign substitute for various kinds of forced confession techniques. Eventually, she threatens to take a meat club to the television, which is ultimately a substitute for using the well being of a loved one as incentive to reveal information.  The boys are only saved by a neighbor who hears their horrific screams - a testament to their love for the television - and comes to the door.  In the time that it takes Lois to turn him away, Malcolm, Reese and Dewey have already hidden the television.

Throughout the episode, the boys rely on their older brother Frances to combat their Mother's rigorous procedure.  Frances has been sent to military school for having pierced his nose multiple times in spite of his mother's warning that she would send him away if he did so.  Being the oldest son, and thus the most in conflict with Lois, Frances has a wealth of experience to draw upon in advising Malcolm.  Yet, Lois emerges the most cunning, as she catches Malcolm and Frances on the phone planning how to get out ahead of Lois.

The show takes commonly experienced methods of American suburban inter-family justice to the level of pastiche, using extended genre tropes sometimes, and other times indulging in the elliptical logic of kids.  Sometimes you cringe, and other times you marvel at its genius.  There is a moment, at the point where the brothers are completely at a loss with how to top Lois, when Reese pinches Malcolm in an attempt to get him to use his brain and make a plan.  We find the results of Malcolm's plan leaving them with pillows and flashlights duct-taped to their bodies with buckets on their heads:  nonsensical, astute and maybe successful. 

I ultimately enjoy Malcolm in the Middle because of its sustained thematic development of Malcolm and his family.  The story ventures outside of the family, but not as a habit, and with the end of illuminating its characters more completely.  It's not a work of cinematic genius, though it involves almost any camera trick ever used-- but it does hit at the heart of my childhood: the weird rules my brother and sister and I instituted, the overall deflection of responsibility at all costs.  I suspect that one of the reasons Malcolm in the Middle didn't garner the same kind of sleeper popularity as a show like Freaks and Geeks did is that most of us would rather forget--or indeed have forgotten--the years the show takes up as central: the ones right before junior high, when the world was still seen through the prism of family.  They were ugly years because we were at the pinnacle of submission to our parents' “cheesy” and restrictive norms.  We might have rebelled against them, but it wasn't on principle, it was more ad hoc rebellion: they just didn't let us watch Return of Chucky.  But when we weren't fighting, we genuinely spent time together and liked it - not that we would admit it.    

Dia de los Muertos (Top Ten Scary Movies of All-Time)

A lot of changes have gone on in the past week and a lot of things have been occupying my time.  I’m sorry to be so cryptic my Puddlers, but let’s just say that you are going to be getting a lot of new good content in the coming days.  There are also going to be some Puddles of Myself affiliated events coming up in the next few months and I am going to keep you up to date with those items as well. It goes without saying that when things change, when the weather gets cooler and I have time to contemplate, you will be rewarded with entertaining and illuminating material – that is just a truism of the world that has come to pass over time.

Now, since we are on the nature of “crypts” and that Halloween has passed, I want to present you with a list (also because for those for some greater topics I need some more time to write the cogent, athletic and moving prose that you are used to).  I’m not the biggest Halloween fan and I am not the biggest lover of scary movies.  However, what I saw this past weekend on TV was atrocious.  There were no great scary movie marathons at all.  Sure AMC screened the entire Friday the 13^th and Halloween franchises over the past two weeks, but I want some variety.  You don’t just throw in Predator, Predator 2, and From Dusk ‘Til Dawn.  You contemplate your scary movie decisions. You make some truly terrifying and viewer pleasing choices.  There are people having Halloween parties at their homes and apartments who want to have some good scary movies playing in the background while they blast Gucci Mane, Thriller or their favorite Halloween mix including “Thriller” and Gucci Mane.  I was shocked, appalled and disgruntled at the terrible television programming I saw this Halloween weekend.  So, due to my disgust, I have taken it upon myself to create a list of the Top Ten Scary Movies I Would Have Liked to Have Seen on TV on Halloween Weekend 2010.  Maybe a television programmer will pay attention and learn how to make the god damn best Halloween lineup for Halloween 2011.  Maybe I won’t completely terrify myself by writing about scary movies.  In any case, please enjoy another of my completely entertaining and inane lists.

10. Poltergeist  - In my world, this movie would absolutely be number one.  However, I have to take the greater population into account.  It is not one of the scariest movies of all time because it has the Spielberg touch to it, but it features some truly classic and iconic moments. You can’t go wrong with the steak crawling across the counter top, the parapsychologist who hallucinates that his face is falling off, Carol Ann Freeling sitting in front of the static television, the scary clown, the scary tree, the crazy fallopian tube looking portal that emerges in the children’s bedroom, as well as the house collapsing onto itself into another dimension at the very end of the movie.  This also features some classic Craig T. Nelson acting that he would later use to great effect in Coach and The Incredibles.  No one plays a dad like Craig T. Nelson.  In fact, no one screams, “You moved the headstones, but you DIDN’T MOVE THE BODIES” quite like Craig T. Nelson.  One of the most enjoyable scary movies that you can possibly watch.

9. Leprechaun 3 – This movie only gets a vote from me because it completely terrified me when I was in the seventh grade.  I went to my friend’s Halloween party dressed as a werewolf, hoping to nervously make out with a girl that I liked (she was a brunette).  However, when I got there I was completely thrown off my game as I watched some bizarre events occur in this movie.  First there is the guy watching porno and the girl comes through the screen and starts having sex with him only to turn into a robot. The Leprechaun then appears and makes the robot go haywire and electrocute his victim.  There is the Leprechaun poking out somebody’s eye with his stick.  The most terrifying is the Leprechaun turning a magician’s act against him and literally chain sawing him in half in a box, opening the box and exposing the poor guy’s midsection.  Completely disgusting and horrifying.  This move took place in Las Vegas.  This was not a Halloween to remember.

8. The Thing – If you have not seen this movie, then let me tell you something: this movie is terrifying.  The Thing came in the wake of the success of Alien and it feeds off of the same sort of “scientific haunted house” vibe. Instead of taking place in space, this movie takes place in an exploratory science colony in Antarctica.  This movie feeds off of classic paranoia/cabin fever themes, when all the members of the crew realize that an alien who can take human form and assimilate with other life forms is lurking in their ranks. What is truly horrifying about the movie is not the prospect of the alien escaping, but rather the increasing paranoia that all of the crewmembers give off as the movie goes on.  Well, that and the absolutely insane makeup that is used to portray the alien when it is assimilating with one of the humans or when Kurt Russell starts torching the alien assimilated humans with his flamethrower and the alien begins to melt and change into disgusting shapes.  When you set all this carnage amongst the Antarctica backdrop you get some truly memorable scenes; definitely a cult classic that should be seen by anyone who enjoys crazy shape assimilating aliens with tentacles.  Did I ever think I would write that sentence? I’ll let you guess.

7. Poltergeist 2 – You may be asking, “Wait, how could, what I assume is a completely inferior sequel make it higher on the list than the original?” I can tell you how: this movie is completely bizarre and it disturbed me on some level that I still don’t completely understand even fourteen years after the fact. This movie creates a totally different explanation for what happened in the first movie, arguing instead that the house was above a giant underground cavern where the terrifying leader of a cult led his followers to death.  This leader is still wandering the streets wearing a somewhat orthodox Jewish/Amish getup.  This is one of the creepiest performances that I have ever seen.  This movie gets most of its points for its baffling nature.  You have to see it in order to understand this kind of nonsensical terror.

6. Alien – I’ll probably take some heat for putting this all time horror/sci-fi classic this far down the list, but I have my reasons.  That is not a knock against this movie, which is one of my favorite scary movies of all time, just an endorsement of some of the terror that the films above this one have inflicted upon my imagination.  There is not much to say about Alien that hasn’t already been covered.  It is one of the most iconic movies of all time, it marked the creation of one of the fiercest and most terrifying beasts and it launched the career of Sigourney Weaver.  Whether the Alien’s triple mouth or its ability to weave its victim into a mucousy web that drained them of their energy horrified you – you were most definitely scared.  And there was something completely disturbing about Ash’s speech where he says how much he loves the Alien for its purity and the perfection of its evolution.  That speech just leaves you with an insane sense of dread. Obviously, Alien is not only a great sci-fi/horror movie but also a terrific film itself.

5. Event Horizon – Some of you might scream, “Blasphemy!” but I say, “Did you ever stay home from school sick and decide to watch a movie, but the movie you watched was actually a gruesome tale about finding the gateway to hell in deep outer space? No? Then you don’t know what scary is.”  This is one of the most violent and disturbing movies of all time.  You know things are going to be bad when the crew finds that horrifying video left by a crew that abandoned their space station and there is all kinds of chanting in Latin.  Things then only get weirder when the black “antigravity chamber” is opened and reveals to lead to the “chaos dimension.” This is soon followed by horrifying visions of people ripping out their own eyes, a character been opened up and spread out on the ship and all kinds of other horrific mayhem.  This is a movie you would not want to watch alone on a space shuttle – or while you are eating anything at all.  One of the most horrific movies I have ever seen.

4. Scream – If you don’t like Scream, then you are just crazy.  I watched this movie when I was in sixth grade and it scared the hell out of me.  The opening sequence alone is so iconic.  Then you have all the meta-commentary on scary movies in general including the great “I’ll be right back” refrain.  You have some truly violent stabbings, an inspired performance from Courtney Cox, an “in her prime” Rose McGowan, a “peak babe era” Neve Campbell, promising debuts from Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lilliard as well as the entire memorable, prolonged party scene that ended in a bloodbath.  This movie was so terrifying because there was nothing supernatural about it.  This was just about deranged and deluded teenagers who liked to party just like the rest of us.  You also have to give it credit because it was scary and also fun and smart enough that it reinvigorated the horror genre for a solid five-year period at the end of the 90’s.  One of my favorite entries into the horror genre.

3. Nightmare on Elm Street – The original of this movie scared me beyond belief - a movie about a ghoul who uses your dreams as the place to attack and torment you? Come on, how are we supposed to sleep?  Freddy Krueger himself was frightening to look at let alone the horrifying scenes like when he sticks his face through the wall or opens up the bed and sucks Johnny Depp down and then all of the blood pours up.  This movie affected my sleep for at least a week straight and then periodically after that.  I don’t need to go further into it.  You all know how terrifying this one is.

2. Exorcist – The aspect of scary movies that always draws me back in is the desire to find out “what’s going to happen.” This is what makes them unlike good stories in general.  The Exorcist has all of those elements of story as well as tying into Christian and other religious/occult mythology, which enriches the story. We don’t care if these are truly viable occult beliefs or practices, but they feel real and the idea of possession and then exorcism is completely frightening.  The horrifying showdowns in Regan’s bedroom with Father Merrin and Father Karras are fantastically done.  The random shots of the demon with the white face are always unsuspected and catch you off guard, lending the movie a completely eerie air.  There is a tremendous sense of dread in the movie as if something occult is sneaking into the room every time to watch it.  It tells multiple levels of stories and the ending of the film with Father Karras jumping out the window is completely memorable and always up for discussion.  The movie contains so many iconic and disturbing images that you can go on discussing its merits.  I always thought it was the most terrifying movie I had ever seen, until I reevaluated number one.

1. The Shining – This movie always freaked me out but its only because I have happened to watch it a few times in the past year that it has climbed to the top of my list.  I just happen to catch it on TV at random times when I can just sit and be filled with horror. Even when it is cut for commercials and edited down it is still terrifying.  Whether it is the ominous image of the Overlook hotel or the creepy scenes with Lloyd the bartender or Delbert Grady the ex-caretaker, there is just something creepy about the entire movie.  Much of that has to do with Kubrick of course, but there is just something about the story in general.  You are always hoping that Nicholson doesn’t lose it or that Scatman Crothers doesn’t get an axe to the back, but in the end it is always going to happen.  The best part of the movie as you watch it more and more is picking up on Jack’s little nuances as an alcoholic.  How he is despondent in the car ride up to the Overlook.  It really lends to thinking that perhaps he was always meant to come to the hotel and to try and murder his family.  That creepy shot of him in a picture from a party at the overlook from years ago is definitely an unsettling way to end the movie.  And I haven’t even touched on the scene with the dead woman in the hotel room, the twins, or the elevator full of blood.  You want to sit there and tell me a movie about a haunted hotel and a murderous psychopath/alcoholic that features a subplot about ESP isn’t the scariest movie of all time?  You are crazy.

Now, please excuse me while I try to get to sleep after writing about all of these movies that terrify me.

The Eve of the Eve of the Eve...

Like I said last week, I am going to keep in the spirit of the holidays by doing another post that is essentially a list. I've been pretty damn busy at work and my internet is slipping in and out and hard to get a handle of as I try to steal it from neighbors and other innocent bystanders (the real holiday spirit) so excuse me if I can't give you the usual inspiring and soul supporting prose that you all (all?) know by memory by now and love so much. Plus we had a big party at the apartment this past weekend that I am still throwing garbage out from (it was one of my favorites on record, though).

So, in the spirit of being tired, like the episode Eumaeus in Ulysses, and the After the Goldrush album I am listening to, I am giving to you - the viewer (right medium? no?) - my list of the "Top Twenty Movies To Watch on TV." This list is based on my theory that there are a certain canon (buzzword college readers) of movies that only get better with commercials. This list has also been culled from countless college weekends being hungover and needing a shitty TV movie to grip onto to bring me back from the brink of desolation. I have spouted these movies off ad nauseum to friends much to their disgust, however, now I am going to really document it so everyone can puke. Worthless? Sure. Serious? Maybe. Serious? Just like everything.

Now stay out of my way while I hope "Cripple Creek Ferry" on repeat buoys this writing. I might need a little Little Feat with "Crazy Captain Gunboat Willie" if things get real tough.

20. A Time to Kill - Melodramatic. Hot, sweaty Sandra Bullock. Matthew McConaughey when he had potential. "Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!" With soundbytes like that, you need commercial to give you a break while you contemplate what a stupid movie it is.

19. American Pie - Surprisingly classic even ten years later. After all the other crazy (but genius) latter die sequels you forget that the first movie had a good teen vibe, Stiffler was actually hilarious, and it wasn't that stupid. Although it sort of was. Better when you can zone out and have it broken up by commercials. Do you need to own it?

18. Wedding Crashers - Has gotten TV overkill and has been overquoted and over Will Ferrelled, however, Owen Wilson translates to a shitty movie being on TV and making you feel comfortable. You'll see later on.

17. Mystic Pizza - Now, you're going to say, "Domino, you've gone soft. Go watch some more basketball or drink some more of that booze you're always talking about." I say, "Just watch it."

16. Can't Hardly Wait - The ultimate shitty high school movie that is widely regarded as being great. I feel like this movie was made with commercials inserted into it. Ah, 1997.

15. Mummy - Some of the movies above this movie are far better than it. However, nothing sucks you in like this damn movie when its on USA or TNT or TBS or sometimes all three at the same time. You have terrible Brendan Fraser as the poor man's Indiana Jones, plenty of bit stereotype characters. A somewhat entertaining Egyptian legend and Rachel Weiss holding the whole thing afloat. Yet, I can't stay away. Gimme a beer.

14. Rocky V - There is no other time you are going to watch this move except at the end of a Rocky marathon on AMC. However, you get one of the dumbest plots of all time and one of the best characters of all time "George Washington Duke." Next time a Rocky marathon is on, take a risk on V. I'm sure you will regret it.

13. Teen Wolf - Not on cable as frequently as you'd expect so it loses points. I only catch it on HBO usually. However, I had to put it on here. It goes without saying that this is one of the best movies of all time. And if you read Bill Simmons' Book of Basketball when he compares Kobe to the Teen Wolf and compares the Teen Wolf/Scott Howard transformation to the "Secret" of basketball, you will understand everything. Plus, as Simmons points out, it has the worst sports editing of any movie, fascinating stats in the final game, and one of the weirdest high school dynamics in any teen movie, let alone an 80's teen movie. What an enigma! It should be number 1!

12. Look Who's Talking - Again you are going to say, "Domino, what happened to the ball? The masculinity? This movie is stupid." Yeah, but its about a talking baby who tries to communicate with his thoughts and he sounds like Bruce Willis. Rock this baby (no pun intended) on mute with your friends and you are in stupid heaven.

11. Breakfast Club - The ultimate 80's movie. It just misses out on the top ten. Its a staple on TV. Like I said about Can't Hardly Wait, it feels like the commercials are in the movie at this point.

10. 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story - The top ten starts off with a movie that was actually a made for TV movie. ESPN Films brings it home with the story of Dale Earnhardt. Barry Pepper delivers a tour de force performance as the Intimidator. Spouting off lines like "Nobody beats me ever!" to Dale Jr. when they are carrying bags of lawnseed. Gets better every time you catch it on at 2:00 AM on ESPN 2. Goes great with a Dr. Pepper Bomb (half cup of Miller Light with a shot of amaretto dropped in).

9. Jaws - Three hours flat. The shark. The music. Brody. Quint. Quint getting eaten. But you forget about the commercial break they squeeze in right before Brody and Hooper swim into shore once Jaws has blown up. Plus you have to love when long, classic (in this case, classic scary) movies get further drawn out by commercials. This works well in the afternoons on Saturday when you feel like you are accomplishing something by not watching college sports or in the evenings on Saturday when a classic movie makes sipping those first two beers seem that much classier. Ah, hell its probably not.


8. Aliens/Alien(tie) - Its hard to choose between these two. Again, they are both relatively long movies, which translate (in my ranking system) to great TV movies. Do you go for the action and "Game over man!" soundbytes of Aliens? Or do you go for the drawn out outer-space haunted house feel of Alien? Either way, with the commercial when you go to take a piss you get to freak yourself out before you grab the next beer. Even though its a tie, I think the edge goes to Alien. Watch that movie on mute with some music on (Grateful Dead) let the observations and the jokes fly.

6. Ghostbusters - Are you turning this off when it comes on TV? How often do you reach for it on your DVD shelf even though it makes sense as an addition and most people have it? I don't and you should just throw it out and let Comedy Central sweep you away with promos for their next shitty show.

5. You, Me and Dupree - A recent addition that keeps gaining steam. A cozy performance by Owen Wilson, a rock solid Dillon performance, a decent friend premise, nice Hudson underwear shots. Would you own this on DVD? No. Would you watch it exhausted on a Sunday night before Mad Men? Absolutely.

4. Major League 2 - By all means a much better movie than Major League, it goes through such dry patches being on TV that it loses points. However it is sustained by the classic "this is only one year later how did everying get so crazy?" questions you ask yourself and your friends when you watch it. You can see Charlie Sheen mailing in his performance. And it has the immortal, "Fly ball. Caught." You are not changing the channel. Oh, wait. You are. That's the whole point of this list.

3. Godfather - Strangely more episodic than the extremely episodic Godfather Part II. Fits perfectly on TV. Classic commercial break after the hospital scene with Michael, Enzo the baker, and the cop.

2. Major League - When I first moved into my apartment in Brooklyn, there was a night when some acquaintances from college came over to drink. This was before I had started my job and I wasn't necessarily close with some of these people, but we were having a good time. I had Major League on mute while we listened to music. The movie ended at 10:00 PM on AMC. Followed by an encore. I left the encore on and laughed my ass off knowing all the lines. Mute or no mute this is one of the best sports movies of all time and one of the most "Yes! I can't believe its on! Its a miracle movies" you'll ever find - even if TV does take away from the fact that it is the best cursing movie of all time. Plus it spurred my "Reverse Major League" movie idea. Where an old kind man owns a baseball team in a terrible town like Bismarck and all the players want to move to Miami. So the old man hires Steve Urkel to give him a potion to make himself young so he joins the team and starts trying, foiling the tanking plans of his teammates and becoming a legend of the state of North Dakota. Genius? Sure.

1. The Godfather Part II - Over three hours long without commercials, this legendary film becomes over four hours when it is put on AMC. There is something strangely assuring about a movie being on for almost five hours in the middle of the day on one channel when you are feeling desolate, drunk and depraved on late Sunday afternoon in November. And this is made all the better as you watch Michael Corleone swirl himself into isolation and power in the best impersonation of Shakespeare (i.e. Henry IV) of all time. Thank god there was never a mobster Henry V. ST. CRISPIN'S DAY!

Welp, that's that. I'll be back after the Christmas weekend no doubt with plenty of new ideas and meditations for you after getting drunk in my hometown and not being able to accept gifts from my family. Plus the new year will be coming up, the end of a decade, tons of lists, people feeling terrible and trying to foist plans on us both - there will be endless things to ramble about. Look forward to it.

Now, the next installment of "From Here to the Last Mound of Dirt":

Maggie

Its hot in this god forsaken hole in the wall and my cramps are bad. This is all fun, though. Tom outside having a chat with that girl. I can’t see him from here. It’s all fun for us depressives to come out and get a drink. Poor dad sitting alone up at the house. We shouldn’t have left him like that. Is he crying about her? About tomorrow? Has he cried yet? Ever? All men have to come to tears sometime don’t they? That guide in Siberia. He cried when one of his dogs died on the trip with us. His knee bent in snow pants quietly scruffing and scraping the snow the breath rising and his staccato sobs. I never saw Jake. Not even…

I throw the dart.

It lands in the first level of nineteen. That closes that one out. The others did nothing for me. I walk up to the board to circle my X.

“Now all I need are the bullseyes,” I say to Liza.

“Let’s hope you can get those quick.”

“That’s the competitive spirit I like to see.”

We’re both bored but what else are we going to do in this shitty place? I have been in worse - bars with dirt floors in Central and South America. Its only that this place is in our backyard and I get to be reminded of watching old friends puke in the back when I’d come home from college. Guys a year older than trying to make out with me because I’d “gotten hotter and really become a women since you went away to college.”

Liza steps up and throws her first dart. It hits the outside section of ten. I don’t know why I agreed with Tom’s idea to come down here, but then again I do know why because it is better to get out of the house and it even looks like James is loosening up over there in the corner. I remember hearing about him being involved with beating up Danny Christian. His friend Paul and the other James almost got sued for it. They were good friends in the end because they admitted that James never through a punch – never touched the kid.

And look at Eve just watching him. Shame on him. Shame on her too for not going over there and just listening to him about saying a quick hello. She should’ve known he was drunk. I could tell. Ah it’s uncomfortable in here.

“Eve you should go over and drag him back.”

She puts on a smile and pretends like its not bothering her. But it would bother me. I wouldn’t let him talk to a slut like Arielle Gregors.

“Oh, no,” she says. “I’ll let him catch up. He needs to lighten up a little. He’s taken this all so hard.”

We’ve all taken it hard. Maybe we should be taking it harder. Maybe I should get out of here before I see someone I know and go sit with dad.

“Yeah, he has a way of doing that.”

“That’s what attracted me to him.”

I take a drink of my pint and set it down. “What that he was so serious?”

“No that he welcomed responsibility. That he was willing to. You know it feels different when you date a guy who you could recognize as a husband or a good father. I don’t know maybe I’m crazy.”

She’s not crazy. She’s right.

“Jake, I’m home.”

I walked down the hall, the lights were dim and there he was to take my coat. His tie was draped around his neck. I looked down at the coffee table. Two glasses of wine. One red and one white.
His hands on my waist.

“I’m not sure I know,” I say.

Eve looks down at her drink. Liza taps me on the shoulder and hands me the darts. I touch one sharp tip and feel it try to pierce my skin. Over Liza’s shoulder I see a girl with blonde hair sneaking up on her. I raise my eyebrows and motion with my head for her to turn around. She does.

“Liza! What are you doing home?”

“Oh, hey Lindsey,” she says. She’s tentative. She doesn’t want to be there or be seen just as much as me. My baby sister. The other girl hugs her. I’m sure she’s a bitch.