(Editor's Note: This post was written before the shootings outside of the Empire State Building this morning. Obviously that is a much more serious matter than the summer ending and this ongoing joke that has become a part of this blog's DNA. My utmost sympathy goes out to anyone directly involved with the shootings and victims from this morning.)
Good morning, my Puddlers.
Unfortunately, I have to give you some bad news on this beautiful summer Friday. You've probably guessed what I'm about to say: yes, there is only a little over one week of true summer left.
Now, I know what you're probably saying. You're probably saying, "Domino, no. No, Domino. The summer doesn't end until September 21!" And I understand your point because it is based in science and the calendar and astronomy—all totally valid sources like Wikipedia. However, I was born in September. I know September. You could even say that my entire existence embodies the essence of September. So, trust me when I say that the true summer ends with Labor Day.
So in this next week, cram in all of your end of summer hilarity and mania. Take a few extra dips in the pool. Maybe smoke a joint in that pool and go to the bottom and blow smoke bubbles out. Or have a few extra beers and splurge for that cab ride with the window wide open and, if you're in the city, watch people holding hands and all the romance of passing lights in the night like Nick Caraway; or, if you're in the suburbs or the country, save yourself a DWI arrest and take some extra deep breaths of grassy, floral air as it blows through your air. I swear there are some answers in that fresh air. Hell, speaking of Nick Caraway, in the next ten days try to cram in a reading of The Great Gatsby. You better believe that's what I'm doing right now and I know that you can do it too.
With this bad news, I also bring you some good news. With the melancholy of a fading summer comes the realization that the year is two-thirds over. Now, while that fact may be somewhat sad as well, it also means that it's time for the 2012 WORLD'S COOLEST DUDE NOMINEES!!!
From 1911-2011, the World's Coolest Dude Committee has decided who was the Coolest Dude in every given year. And, you know what, you can find the full records right here. This year will be no different. As always, the nominees are wide-ranging and very cool in their own different ways. So, without further ado, let's take a look at your potential 2012 World's Coolest Dudes.
1. Louis CK
Louis is the reigning two-time World's Coolest Dude and in 2012 he is gunning to become the first three-peat World's Coolest Dude winner. His campaign so far has been strong: the release of his comedy special online and the donation of the profits to charity (this happened in late 2011 but counted toward the 2012 campaign); a mind-blowing third season of his TV show Louie that continues to shatter expectations; and a comedy tour where any tickets that are sold or scalped at a higher price will be rendered null and void. That's a very strong campaign, but will the voters have "Louis CK ennui"?
2. Lebron James
In 1992, Michael Jordan was named the NBA MVP. In June, M.J. led the Bulls to their second straight NBA title as they defeated the Portland Trailblazers in 6 games while Michael destroyed the notion that Clyde Drexler was his equal on his way to his second straight NBA Finals MVP. That summer in Barcelona, Michael won a gold medal as a member of the Dream Team—also known as the greatest team ever assembled.
In 2012, Lebron James was named the NBA MVP. In June, Lebron led the Miami Heat to their second NBA title in franchise history as they defeated the Oklahoma City Thunder in 5 games while Lebron did the best Larry Bird impression of all-time, except that he also threw dashes of vintage M.J. and Magic into the mix on his way to his first NBA Finals MVP. This summer in London, Lebron James won a gold medal as a member of Redeem Team II—also known as the team that looked like it would be the most fun to play on and hang out with.
I think that's all I need to say.
3. Frank Ocean
Frank Ocean is 24 years old and has already written songs for Justin Bieber, John Legend and Brandy. He is also a member of Odd Future, the controversial, entertaining and visionary hip-hop collective out of Los Angeles. In 2012, Frank Ocean released an open letter on Tumblr explaining the details of the first true love of affair his life: a romance he had with another man when he was 19 years old. This letter opened up the conversation regarding homosexuality in the rap community—a subject that has been avoided for years due to the constant derision of anything sensitive or remotely homosexual in the majority of rap songs. Frank Ocean, by releasing his letter, forced the rap community to face themselves (for at least a moment) and perhaps step up their collective humanitarian game. Oh, and he also released Channel Orange which is one of the top ten albums of the year.
4. Usain Bolt
While the Olympic hangover still lingers, its hard not to remember Usain Bolt's transcendent London performance. He won gold in the 100 meters and became the first man to defend the gold since Carl Lewis in 1988. Then he proceeded to win gold in the 200 meters and became the first many in history to defend both the 100 and the 200 meter gold medals. Bolt also won gold in the 4x100 meter relay that might have been the most impressive athletic performance I have ever seen. After London, Bolt is without a doubt the best Olympic sprinter of all-time, a top twenty athlete of all-time, the fastest man alive, one of the top five Olympians of all-time and arguably the fastest man in history. He's also endlessly cooler than Michael Phelps.
5. Neil Barofsky
In 2008, Barofksy, a long-time Democrat, was appointed by George W. Bush to oversee the TARP (Trouble Asset Relief Program). Bush had signed the program into law at the end of his presidency in order to address the subprime mortgage crisis. Barofsky then proceeded to stand up to and investigate some of the most corrupt and greedy people in the financial industry and make sure that the $700 billion in bailout money went to the right places. All the resistance and difficulty he encountered is chronicled in his book Bailout which is in the top ten on the New York Times best-seller list.
6. MCA
There have only been two men who were given the World's Coolest Dude Award after their death: Buddy Holly in 1959 and John Lennon in 1980. Could MCA be the third? The fact that his Last Will and Testament included a clause stating that his music or likeness could not be used in advertising goes a long way towards his cause. As does the fact that he was a musical visionary and an all-around humanitarian.
7. The Pointerpointer Guy
Well, because, I mean, it really takes a lot of chutzpah to make a stupid website like this. I mean, it really takes a lot of balls.
8. Simon Konecki
So you are a former investment banker who becomes disillusioned with the finance industry and so you decide to start an organization called Life Water and a charity called Drop4Drop in an effort to stop the global water crisis. Then, you go through a divorce and in 2010, while still in the divorce proceedings, start dating a young singer named Adele. In 2011-2012 this girlfriend goes on to basically own the music industry. Oh, and she's now pregnant with your child who is expected at the end of this year.
9. Peter Higgs
On July 4, 2012 two different experimental physics teams reported that they had found the presence of a new particle, which very closely the fit the description of the "Higgs boson." The Higgs boson is also known as the "God particle" and was first theorized by physicist Peter Higgs in 1964. Basically this particle is the missing link that could end up describing why our universe and existence work the way they do. This would be an unprecedented late-in-life World's Coolest Dude victory.
10. Mike Trout
Because no one who has ever played baseball is doing what he is doing right now.
11. ????
The World's Coolest Dude committee always leaves one spot open in case some dude out there makes a late-charging run at being the coolest guy on the planet. There's about three months left, everything is wide open, so take a shot.
Those are the nominees. Over the next few months I look forward to hearing your thoughts, comments and arguments over who should win, who should have been considered and also why this award is sexist. The 2012 World's Coolest Dude will be announced on Puddles of Myself in December.
Now go out and enjoy the next ten days of summer!
It is in fact an exemplary masterpiece.
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