When a man is in the room...

Well, well, well you might be saying like the late great John Lennon. Look who's back (no, seriously, that's actually what I look like). I know its been a solid few months - almost five and no one was counting - but I am back to post on this blog, this white space with pictures of things I like and then references to other things I like. The summer passed with lots of weather and days, the fall flew by with moisture and shortening days and now here we are approaching Thanksgiving with fire in the air. Now, I could go in to agonizing detail about how amazing these past five months for me (and I was voted World's Coolest Dude in 2007), but I will spare you the details, because your brain and head would probably explode. Instead, I will give you an abridged version, in the blogspirit, of things I liked and didn't like over the past five months.

The Good(abbreviated):

- Mad Men

- The State DVD

- Lakers winning the NBA Title, making things more interesting for this season.

- Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame Speech

- Hung

- Reading Ulysses on a hot day

- Judee Sill album I was recommended.

- Rediscovering my love of the Grateful Dead

- Mad Men

- Dinner

- Chinese Food

- The teacher from Mad Men

- Jerry and Larry's dynamic on Curb

- Beach House's set at the East River Park in August

- Watching UP in the comfort of your home

- Beatles Remastered Albums (was that really "Hello Goodbye"?)

- A tree

- Bill Simmons' The Book of Basketball

- Dwyane Wade becoming the new spokesperson for Air Jordan Sneakers

- My ideas for a sketch comedy show

- Allmusic.com's review of the new Julian Casablancas album

- Federer losing the U.S. Open

- Me finishing the first draft of my manuscript for "From Here to the Last Mound of Earth"

- Mad Men

The Bad:

- The Lakers winning the NBA Title

- Tom Brady

- The New Orleans Saints being a headline story

- Bored to Death

- Barack winning the Nobel Peace Prize

- Lebron to New York hype

- Me not winning the Nobel Peace Prize in literature

- Me not having a TV show

- Sarah Palin (?)

- The college campus murders (Yale med student)

- Continuing bad economy

- An ice cream scoop falling off of an ice cream cone

- Michael & Michael only getting seven initial episodes (I almost didn't put this on because its coming back - unless that was a dream)

- Pitchfork's review of the new Julian Casablancas Album

THE UGLY:















Well there you have it. That basically sums up the past five months. The best synopsis ever? Maybe too early to say. But before I leave this fresh and inspired post, let me just delve - albeit briefly - into the last season of Mad Men.

I'm not a TV watcher (maybe?), but Mad Men continues to amaze me. This season had perhaps the best dialogue I have ever heard. Not only on a TV show, but out of many of the books I have read as well. I would have to see the screenplays in writing, but the way the dialogue sounds has a feel that any writer, when they know they are writing or reading good dialogue, can recognize. The sounds are circular, the lines take jump steps, they are never direct. A topic or a line will come from a place that the conversation is not directing towards - which reflects the way we actually talk, the way we transition thought into language.

The most astonishing thing about the show this season, was the way that it was contrived in the way that any artifice is contrived, but yet so natural. I will not compare Mad Men to Tolstory (oh, I see), but this season reminded me of a Tolstoy novel. There is a contrivance in interacting with the work of art, with the story, with these characters, but in the end, the way it unfolds is completely natural. This third season of Mad Men unfolded in as completely natural a manner as you could hope for a TV show or any story. The relationships of so many characters were shredded apart, they were redefined, there was a darkness and an alienation not only surrounding the characters in their individual lives, but in their interactions with each other, some louder (for Mad Men) than others. However, that strain is what happens to people when they exist in the same realm as each other for a prolonged period of time. Now maybe this is not as apt to happen to friends growing up or college buddies, but when you enter a professional world, an adult world where your mistakes and your bad behaviour are magnified, things become strained, they become dark, because those lighthearted times are harder to scratch at and gleam knowledge from.

Yet, in the Mad Men season finale, certain of these relationships came back together again. Because as it is true that the longer you exist with other people, your relationships become strained, it is also true that there are moments when you have to pause and realize how important it is to tell them why they are great and why you appreciate them. Not only did Don Draper have to do that in this episode (not only Don, but Roger Sterling and Bert Cooper), but in a way the creators of the show had to. After three seasons, a show as paced and attentive to the minute as Mad Men can seem tedious to a viewer, can seem redundant, but with an action-packed episode like this (for Mad Men, this means human relationship fireworks) you let your own characters know - and your viewers - know how much you appreciate them. By having the characters act as an extension of the creator's intent, the art achieves its success. Which is what season three of Mad Men and especially the finale achieved. I have heard people say that Mad Men as it was is over and that a new show will be revealed when Mad Men returns again next year. That very well may be true. And if that new show is not as good as Mad Men as we knew it (highly doubtful), at least we (I) could talk about a television show like this. And I didn't even touch on Don's scene with Peggy where he mentions that "something bad happened," which is one of the most universal sentiments in the history of mankind.

And I didn't even mention the teacher.

Next: Musings on a young NBA season

Now: the next installment of "From Here to the Next Mound of the Dirt," which will be coming to you soon in its full form (hopefully in a bookstore).


Maggie

I saw them outside eating blackberries. They weren’t close like that the last time I was home. They never were. Liza and Tom are complete opposites. Tom so strange he never wants to let anyone know about anything, riding the trains the way he does. The only one of us who really hung onto going to church. I’ve often wondered if he was going to become a priest. I think he’d be good at it because he could be eloquent if he wanted to. I don’t see him sermonizing but just giving sermons. God, he is strange but that’s what I love about him. He’s got dark and he’s hurt like me.

Eve is moving around the kitchen wearing an old yellow apron. The apron doesn’t say anything, it just has a picture of a loaf of bread, a carrot and some other vegetables, an apple. I think it’s supposed to represent the food groups. Yes, I forgot that there are eggs on there – dairy. Mom used to put it on us. James even wore it. But he’s leaning on the island where mom always leaned and talked to us. He’s leaning and watching her cook. She’s been over the stove for a while now and she even has something in the oven. It’s a kind of steak she’s making. The kitchen smells like cooking tomatoes and garlic. She’s trying to feed us all.

I look across the table. Dad has his glasses on and he’s doing a crossword. He takes a drink from the bottle but keeps his stare down at the puzzle. He’s almost three quarters done with it. I feel like I should be worried. I haven’t seen a binge like this. Jake tried to once. He couldn’t handle it. He needed me. Something strange about that.
“What puzzle is that, dad?”

He looks up and frowns, his glasses coming forward on his nose bridge.

“Sunday Times. Your mother started it and,” he looks back down at it, then up. “Well I guess I thought I could finish it.”

He sounds like an actor. I feel like I should be watching him on a screen curled up in a ball on my couch or back at college in my dorm room with my comforter over me feeling warm and wanting to be touched by a boy that only lives in my head and who’d never really touch me. How is it that my father is a movie? I want to cry listening to the way he pauses after “well.” I want him to slide the Cutty Sark across the table to me and take a long slug too. James is turned round, though. He heard it too.

“Dad,” he says. “Maybe you should lay off the scotch a little?”

“What? Are you afraid I’ll have the shits all night?”

“No.”

Dad looks down at the crossword. “That’s the worst that it can do to me at this point.”

“But, dad…” James tries again.

Dad turns up, glasses leaning forward. “Trust me, Jimmy. I know this stuff.” He stops and looks over to me. “I’m entertaining enough, right? I’m not being a sad bastard.”

“You’re doing well,” I say. I can’t think of anything more clever.

“How does it smell, Ben?” Ah, there she is to chime in.

Dad ruffles the puzzle, sits back, and lifts the bottle and glugs. He puts it back down on the table and it hollowly bangs. “Great. Like a Saturday Night off Mulberry.”

Eve laughs and James is still just leaning. I hear the padding of feet and Liza enters from the den.

“Jesus, it smells good in here.”

“Don’t take your mother’s favorite name in vain,” dad says.

I have to keep myself from laughing. James turns from the island again but he doesn’t say anything. Liza is dead in her tracks.

“Damn, dad,” she says. “I don’t know if that’s funny.”

Dad looks up from the puzzle. I can tell he is or has entered an area of rare territory even for him. The glasses are up front and he is looking above their frames at her standing in the opening. She’s framed with her terrific blonde hair out and long. I wish my hair were light and easy like hers sometimes.

Dad sighs. “Maybe you’re right, dear. I’ve lost my timing.” Stop. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” She moves into the kitchen and sits closer to my head of the table.

“Did you and Tom have a lovely time picking berries?” I ask her. I can’t resist.

Liza seems put off by this. Her skin is a little thin. She knows that this is the way that dad and I can always be. Her eyes are wide and it’s amazing how blue they are. I can see my reflection in them and is there even a bit of pride or indignation in those pupils? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that in my little sister before.

“So you saw us?”

“Yes. I never knew you and Tom were so buddy buddy.”

“He’s acting a little strange.”

“That’s Tom,” James says, his back still turned.

Liza shakes her head still looking at me. “It’s different.”

“He seems fine to me.” It looks like Eve is stirring. I can see her right elbow. So much motion going on in this kitchen right now. I feel like I’m seventeen again. Liza was only what, three then? What is she making? It smells delcious and my stomach is rumbling.

“Well first we have a lovely filet mignon with a béarnaise sauce.”

“Jake…”

“If that is not to your liking then perhaps the bronzini? Full body, head on. We do all the cutting tableside. My personal perk of the job.”

I couldn’t stop laughing. “Stop it.”

“Is it wrong for a handsome young waiter to be enthusiastic about his work?”

“Well with vanity like that you must not get a lot of tips.”

“You’d be surprised.”

He stood close to me playing his role. I looked up at him and held his hand. I pet his knuckles and those bones that stretch down to our wrists, which make us all living skeletons. But I was tired and our apartment and the streets always smelled of thick frying garlic.

“We can really just go out somewhere. Let’s just walk down the street. Or let’s just go downstairs to Cibo.”

“No, I want to cook for you. You’re home now. That’s the whole point.”

I sighed. Seeing myself now why did I sigh?

“Aren’t you happy to be home?”

He nuzzled up to me. I never would have imagined the way he turned out to be. This man with the build and the look of a boxer. On Sunday’s when he wore that old worn charcoal sweatshirt with the frayed neckband he was a boxer. He was a boxer who was in love with me and would do anything for me, the most romantic fighter I’d never seen fight. I saw his clean shaven face, his five o’clock shadow gone. Why did he do those things for me? All of his gestures. Because he loved me, because that apartment was home. But is my apartment among Italian restaurants home? Was it ever? Are the windows? Those blue and yellow plaid couches, the round table, the wicker chairs? He was my imaginary boxer and he couldn’t fight what’s inside of me.

“Yes, of course I am.”

He kissed my thighs through the hole in my light thin jeans I’ve had since college. I ran my
hands through his hair trying to push and spike it up. His arms wrapped beneath my knees. He looked up at me.

“Then let me cook for you.”

“OK, Jake.”

That was the week before I found the ring. Two weeks before he proposed. Now it’s over a year later and everything still stinks of garlic.

“Tom has always just been a quiet, I don’t know, thoughtful guy. That’s just the way it seemed to me anyway. He’s deep.”

I like Eve and everything but sometimes she goes too far with her analysis of our family. It was cute before to hear that she admires our dynamic but I’m not in the mood for this right now especially her cooking and wearing that apron. It always happens, though, doesn’t it. That time of the month sneaks up when you have to come home for your mother’s funeral. My body knew somehow. No, its on a cycle.

“He’s definitely deep, your brother,” Dad mumbles, his face set on the puzzle.

“You think so, dad?” Liza asks.

How did this all come up anyway? Are we doing a report on Tom?

“I know so.”
“What do you mean, dad? Has Tom opened up to you?” James is suddenly curious. He’s the oldest son so he should be the deepest one.

Dad takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. He crinkles the magazine’s pages and flips the puzzle over. Then he leans back in his chair and puts his hands behind his head. He is a satisfied farmer at the end of the day, a relaxed slacker in the back of class.

“You know your children, James. A father doesn’t need to have his son open up to him to understand. He can read him, he made him. A good father knows anyway. That’s what I’ve come to believe.”

James is looking at dad and he seems confused, he doesn’t know what to say. Now he looks at the floor.

“Its one of the mysteries of being a parent,” Dad says.

We’re all quiet. Eve comes up from behind James and places her chin on his shoulder. He kisses her cheek. I never did that to Jake. Maybe he wanted me to.

Dad puts back on his glasses. “In any case, I hear the pitter patter of not so little feet upstairs so why don’t we all just lay off your brother.”

“Right.” James takes a big breath. “How is everyone doing on packing?”

I groan. It’s a natural reaction to him.

“What, Maggie? I just want to make sure we’re making progress.”

“Yeah, yeah I’m making progress.” I’m not making progress and I don’t know what that even means.

James frowns and turns to Liza.

“I’m almost done,” she says. “A little bit more tomorrow and I think I should be good.”
Liar.

James appears to be satisfied by this and Eve pokes him in the side.

“Alright, dad, that’s enough.”

Dad looks up at hearing this. He cocks his head and realizes no one is talking to him. He goes back to the puzzle but then turns up again and takes a drink of scotch before returning to the black and white boxes.

Tom thuds in from the den with wet slick hair.

“Smells good in here.” He’s smiling.

“Good,” Eve says. “Because its done. We can all eat.”

James motions to Liza to help him set the table. She gets up and they begin clattering around with silverware and drawers. Tom sits by the window. He pushes his wet hair back and leans against the table. Liza places a trivet down in the middle. Eve comes over with oven mits and a glass pan, she lays it down. It smells delicious and looks delicious. I can see the steak beneath the tomato sauce and peppers and onions that are covering it.

“Steak pizzaola,” she says.

“Good job,” I say.

“I think we should all go to the Checkmate tonight,” Tom says.

I see the bar on Mill Road. It’s an old house in the middle of a neighborhood of other old colonial homes. The only difference are the red neon lights that flash beer brands.

“I can’t think of a better idea,” I say.

Photos

So I am going to get to more substantive posts soon. However, in the meantime, I just want to provide some more signs of life that I, and this blog that lives off of me, are both alive. So I am going to link you to a website of a man(boy? kid?) named Christoffer Delsinger who comes through Kittens Ablaze, one of the bands who played the Brooklyn Invitational. Mr. Delsinger took some fine photos of the event and you can see them at HIS WEBSITE. Rich Lee and I both thank Chris for taking these photos and perhaps we will even meet this legendary person someday.

In the meantime, the NBA Draft comes up this Friday. The Wilco album is released next Tuesday, June 30 and then we have the Fourth of July weekend. Summer has definitely kicked in. Stay tuned for the Acoustic Rooftop Barbeque and the End of Summer Ice Cream Social, which will be coming your way from the two guys who drove to Washington D.C. and back in ten hours to pick up art for this man and who brought you the Brooklyn Invitational.

Shill, shill, shill.

Now, the next installment of "From Here to the Last Mound of Dirt."

Tom

I feel a little drunk but I’ve been drunker. Taaake and eaat. I wonder if Liza can smell the church on me. She asked me if I was like dad and I said no. I think that is the right answer. No, it definitely is. I’m nothing like dad. If she was asking me if I was a drunk then the answer is, “No, I’m not a drunk.” But then again, dad wasn’t a drunk either. He was and then he wasn’t. Now he was again. Rather he is again. What does that make him? What would he be? I think that is a question we’ve all tried to get at.

“Have you been packing?” Liza asks me as we release our embrace. She smells like lavender, or what I imagine lavender to be. Flowery, soft, like rainwater maybe because she’s been soaking and marinating in the scent standing outside so strangely. I feel good in this warm wet afternoon. I stretch my arms out again and Liza looks at me strangely. My pants are damp.

“No, not really. I guess I should before James yells at me.”

Liza smiles at me.

“Sorry, Jimmy-boy,” I try to say like a gangster but I feel a little foolish. I don’t make the jokes. Dad does or James will sometimes or Maggie skewers us with her sarcasm and wit. That is the formula, that’s how it works very simply.

“Do you think it’s a good idea to let dad go ahead with leaving the house behind?”

Its not a good idea and I know that. I mean you can’t just give up a place like this. It’s more of an investment than a house. The finely done stonework here around the pool, the little waterfall that falls from the hot tub into the main pool itself. Also the landscaping around the front walk and the stone patio in the front. I watched those Mexicans do it. They weren’t really Mexican. I talked to them and gave them beers. Dad told me to do that. They were from Guatemala some of them, others from Ecuador. No one is really a Mexican; you have to find out the truth, the real story about where someone is from. I think that’s something dad always cared about. Maybe he cared about it too much when he was younger.

You look around this backyard and at the big white shape of the house itself with the black shutters. They’re really navy, though, I think. It is an investment. That’s what people do when they get older, they make nests, nest eggs, they put their money in something. Mom believed in that, putting your money into real estate, your real estate, something extremely personal and I bet they did make a lot of money from when they first moved in here years ago. Things only get more expensive as time goes on. I think its because people forget about how things originated and keep guessing at what everything costs until they become lost in values. That’s not true. Its all based on markets, demands, supplies, loans, mortgage rates and freezes. I’m just thinking the way mom would. I look over at Liza and mess my hair up at bit with my hand.

“No, it’s not a good idea. But I think its what dad wants.”

“I know that, but I mean if he’s going to lose money on it or mess up the plans mom had then maybe we should stop him.”

I look past the pool to the corner of the house where the blackberry bushes are. I could go for a handful.

“Let’s pick some blackberries.”

“What?”

“Blackberries.” I nod my head in their direction and slide my hands into my khaki pockets feeling debonair. Feeling like George Clooney feels.

In the darkness of my eyes I see the flashing of the train in the sun. I see Christ on the cross and the priest in white and black with his purple Lent sash. The train is silver and it streaks blue. The wire and antennae above strike for a moment and sparks leap out and rain down around me. Just a chance encounter or are things planned like that like tracks everyday? The train is moving down the line and its night I watch the red lights on behind. The gap between the platforms is a gaping hole that wants me to step down into it one way or another. Where am I? Who will save me?

“No, I want you to tell me what you think.”

Fine.

“I think that even though it’s wrong, its what dad wants and he’s entitled to it after all of this time. After spending most of mom’s life with her, loving her and doing exactly what she wanted of him.”

I realize that I’m breathing sort of heavy. Liza seems satisfied with that answer. She looks over to the blackberries too and nods. Rain drips off the gutter and a breeze picks up a strand of her hair on the side of her head, lifts it, drops it.

“You are a little drunk aren’t you?” She asks me.

I laugh. I can’t help it. “Maybe.”

“Let’s pick some.”

We walk alongside the pool. There are leaves and silver reflections of the trees and the grey sky on the surface. We pass the back windows and I can the light of the den on and dad’s shape seated in the recliner. It’s so hard to read him. I think we connected sitting at the table. I can’t know what he’s feeling. Is trying to wrong?

We step down the little hill by the deep end of the pool and walk to the gate. Liza lifts the latch, we pass through, and it clanks. So many times that little piece of metal hit the other pole of metal and made a noise. Time passes and it becomes memory, routine and music. But it’s just a sound. Is it special because I have pictures in my mind to go along with it? Because I see a slideshow of us growing up. I see Liza tiny in a neon pink one-piece bathing suit her hair whitish blonde like it used to be. Now she slides along the wet grass next to me.

“What are you doing here?” I ask her.

“You’re so strange, Tom.”

“You should be at school, you don’t need this.”

“I do need this. I have to be home for this. What are you talking about?”

I shake my head. She shouldn’t go through with this. She should be away, be having fun. It’s the beginning of school. Things never get more beautiful or more optimistic than at the beginning of a school year of any school year. You dread going back, but once you are there the first month is like no other feeling, no mixture of emotion anytime else. At least that’s how I always felt. But then, I never went to college.

We walk up to the berry bushes. There are many dead and rotten ones on the dirt below the bushes. There are some confused one’s that still aren’t ripe and others that look just ripe. I reach out and pick a few. I look at them in the palm of my hand – five. All of their little circular pockets of juice. It’s my favorite fruit. Liza pushes her palm up to her mouth and chews the berries. She shows her hand, its purple black like a scab or more like that sweater mom got me for Christmas when I was thirteen.

“Still taste good. A little sour.”

I look down at the berries.

“It’s something simple.”

Liza nods and reaches her hand to pick more. She grabs one that is full. It looks ripe, delicious and perfect. It even shines a little bit like cartoon fruit. She holds it between her forefinger and her thumb regarding its shape, twisting it, trying to see it from all possible angles. She extends her hand to me and I look at it.

“I’d eat it in a second.”

She looks down at and spreads her fingers out. She flicks her palm and the berry pops up. She catches it in her mouth like a child. Like we all used to do. Chewing, she spits a bit of purple on the ground.

“A little sour.”

“Ah.”

She swallows the rest.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me about dad’s accident, Tom?”

“Because mom wanted to spare you the knowledge.”

I have a tendency to spit back immediately when I am offguard. I couldn’t help it. She wanted to know.

Brooklyn Invitational

Well once again it has been awhile between posts and I have let down whatever fair readers that I may have. Quite a bit has gone down in the past two weeks if you haven't noticed and believe me it has. Let's touch on a few: The Lakers win the Finals giving Kobe his 4th ring and putting him into another level on the all-time player list, the Penguins win the Stanley Cup giving hockey a great boost going in to next season, Nadal loses at the French and Federer ties Sampras for the majors record - not sure if this is a good thing, Conan begins hosting the Tonight Show and unleashing the comic mastery that is the Twitter Tracker and the Dana Carvey Show came out on DVD after 13 years of long waiting.

The biggest item to go on for me in the past two weeks was The Brooklyn Invitational, an event I put on with my friend down in DUMBO. This event featured six bands and several artists showcasing their work at a great space down in DUMBO. There is not a lot going on there as far as nightlife, but there are a lot of gallerys and spaces that can be used to put on some great events, especially large-scale music shows and festivals. There will be more photos up from the event and we will be planning to do another one later on this summer and I will be posting information here or on a parallel blog that you will most likely be able to find.

Now, upcoming: post on Kobe, post on upcoming Mad Men season, post on some album or band that I feel especially compelled about (Grizzly Bear?). But now, here is the next entry in "From Here to the Last Mound of Dirt."


Liza

The rain has let up and I’m standing outside wearing my raincoat hood over my head. The afternoon is cool and it still smells like summer. The water in the pool has risen high, almost to the top of the rock ledges. I had to come outside to think. I suppose I could’ve just gone to my room and not given myself away by walking past Tom and dad like I did. But I did keep my calm in front of Eve when she told me about the secret I didn’t know. Why did it have to come from her? I love her but she’s not in my family. She is, but she really isn’t. She isn’t the same as all of us.

How is that your vision of your family changes? So many things are always supposed to change, friends, seasons, opinions, favorite ice cream, and even sex. The way you see your family isn’t. It does, though. First you know your mother and father because you need them. Then you know the number of people in your family because you know your brothers and sister. That stays for a while through car rides and fights and sharing bathrooms and dinner and getting rides places. Then everyone gets older – the secrets start coming out. You find out that your father is a good man but he has a past that is deeply flawed, and that’s OK because you find out that everyone does. And being the youngest you get to hear it all, hear all of the problems and the stories of your brothers and sister, the problems and bad things they’ve done. There is nothing of the original picture of family left. What keeps all of that together in a shape? How are you supposed to see it all when you get older?

“Liza, what are you doing in the rain?” Tom’s voice says.

I turn around and see him walking out the door.

“Oh, it isn’t raining anymore,” he says.

“Yep.”

He shuffles out and stretches his arms. I think he always liked weather like this. It would make sense because it sort of fits his demeanor. He is all kinds of rain and grey but he is also warm. He walks up to me by the pool with his hands in his pockets. His hair is wet and a bit blackish rather than reddish brown. Is he drunk?

“Well what are you doing out here anyway?”

“Just thinking.”

Tom spreads his legs apart and looks down at his shoes. They’re a nice pair of brown loafers; they seem comfortable. He was the neatest of us for sure. He and James were both neat, although James was always bounding around to a practice or running out with his friends could leave messes and things on the floor. Mom never came down so hard on him. Maybe it was because he took on so much. Tom’s shoes look comfortable but he looks messier than usual.

“There’s a lot to think about, huh?” He puts his hand on my jacket shoulder.

I pull my hood off my head and shake my hair. I look up at his face. He is looking forward, but he senses me and so his eyes drift down to me.

“Tom,” I ask. “What are you doing always riding the trains?”

He takes his hand off my shoulder and puts it back in his right pocket. He scuffs his shoes on the wet stones.

“There’s something about it. Something about that moment of travel, even though I’ll always bounce back from the city out here, when the train is moving I feel good. Having a beer and riding a train. Its very simple in a way.”

I nod my head. He’s very stern now thinking about it. I decide to put my hand up on his shoulder. “You could’ve asked me to come to mass.”

He turns down at me. “Don’t you ever think about anything simple?”

I don’t know what he means by that. He seems really curious, though. He wants to know. There are a lot of simple things in the world I guess. I mean don’t they say that you can break down the whole earth and the universe into different math formulas? Those formulas might be tough to understand but numbers are a lot simpler than stars and atmospheres and endless space. I don’t think I’m supposed to find joy in riding a train and drinking a beer. That doesn’t make sense to me. I want to jump into the excitement of the night at school. But then isn’t simple staying with mom, not leaving her alone. Not killing her.

“Are you drunk, Tom?”

He raises an eyebrow. “No.”

“You’re not like dad are you?”

“Don’t you love dad despite this? Don’t you understand?”

“Yeah I do.”

“No, I’m not like dad.”

He hugs me and I can smell beer. His clothes are wet too but he smells like church and faint cologne. The type that most boys smell like. Musk is what it’s called. Maybe this is what happens to family. We fall apart and bring it back together again. But we aren’t so bad. This is just what we’re changing into.

“I love you,” I say to Tom.

“Thank you.”

I open my eyes and over his shoulder, I can see dad standing in the doorway looking out at us and cradling his bottle to his stomach.

In the rain, I walk over to dad and his motorcycle. He put his glass down on the sopping sod and mud.

“Want to ride?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

He regards the motorcycle for a moment. The rainwater is streaming down his nose and over his lips.

“You were so close with your mother. You know she’d never let you ride.”

“But why didn’t anyone tell me?”

He looks past me. I turn around and look at the open hole in the ground where the mourners are standing stiff like cardboard. I don’t even recognize any of them. The hole is filling with water. I hope mom won’t drown. She’s not a fish.

“It wasn’t up to us.”

Wilco (The Album)

It leaked and of course we all knew that it would, just as we all knew that Wilco would then put it up on their website to stream it for their fans for free, becase, hey, all things will leak so what's the point in pretending like it isn't out there.

I will go on the record as calling Wilco my favorite band. As the definitions of my identity thin in possibility to those I know as I continue to grow older and be defined my choices and sensibilities, I can see now, that when being referred to as a friend or enemy or lover and most importantly an object, that my favorite band will be easily identified as Wilco. And you know what the beauty of this new Wilco album is? They already know that.

See the thing about a Wilco album is that it never sounds like any other Wilco album. Sure there are the binding qualities of Tweedy's voice, and the history arising out of alt-country that either allows you to see them tieing back to their roots or emphasizing their departure from them, but besides that, nothing stays the same from album to album. No tone is the same, no theme, nothing.

I won't go into album history here, because if you are reading this blog, you probably already know the album history. So I am going to jump into the newest album. Wilco (The Album).

We jump in with Wilco (The Song), which is probably the song that I have felt the strongest about in a long time, because it easily could have been written by any band about any band. Tweedy completely removes the subject from a song with a totally subjective title. This song is about the music of a band who encourages the listener to put on their headphones and listen to an album when things aren't going right. There is nothing marking Wilco out from any other band nothing that makes this song need to be called Wilco the song, it is simply called Wilco the song because it is. The only thing missing from this song is a refrain of the chorus where Tweedy simply goes, "Blah Blah, Blah Blah, will always love you." A friend of mine said to me in response, "Isn't that a bit obvious?" My response is that so was "Birthday." An obvious song does not make a bad song, sometimes an obvious song is neccessary to make us see how much we make of the particulars that make our music seem so special to US when really it is the shared experience of a band and headphones by everyone. Plus who can deny that electric keyboard you hear underneath the distorted guitar, the sounds of which haven't been truly heard since Being There.

Next we get "Deeper Down." Where you can hear where the band is really going. The polish of the studio is there. Plenty of pedal steel or maybe even slide guitar and Tweedy is totally involved in a character story of a boxer. Each section gives way to subtle noise and ghosts sounds that sound as if they were lifted straight from Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, and then once the noise fades we burst through with Nels Cline guitar lines that call to mind Sky Blue Sky and their live shows with none of the negative feelings that have been foisted upon Sky Blue Sky in particular, but merely the fluidity and organic nature of the band's sound that was missing from the heaps of artifice of Yankee Hotel Foxtrot (which is not a pejorative description).

Fleetwood Mac dynamics explode onto "One Wing." This song has the band working at full force together and despite the studio glockenspiel touches this captures the live sound of the band. Their ability to be loud and to blend so many parts together. Those vibrous Nels parts, with the Jorgenson and Sansone organ and keyboard parts. You even get to hear Stirratt desperately trying to add high harmonies until it swirls into Nelse distortion (one of the best parts of latter day Wilco) until Tweedy hits a high note that fades into studio swirl.

The most interesting (maybe?) song is "Bull Black Nova" because people have already been comparing it to "Spiders (kidsmoke)" because of its bass driven nature. The difference in the two songs couldn't be more glaring. Whereas Spiders was Wilco playing a genre, saying that they could play krautrock, Bull Black Nova is that genre filtered through Wilco. It is here that Wilco is playing at the highest level of artistry. The form has been taken in by the artist and then ejected outward in the image of that artist. Bull Black Nova is a history of 70's and 80's German excuse for rock called kraut rock call pretenstion filtered through Tweedy and his love of American folk and his mastery of the modern murder ballad, which was first evidenced in Via Chicago. We all know that we are robots and not humans in the the latter day era of the non-christ, so instead of harping on it, give me distortion and give me the murder of one's girlfriend. Plus Tweedy screams.

"You and I". What can I say about the Feist duet? This song is pure 1974. You have to love it once again. Here we get the Wilco of Sky Blue Sky, but polished with the studio touches they had always known so well and we get a masterful lyric like "Oh I don't need to know everything about you. And you don't need to know that much about me." Something I think we can all attest to when hanging on the fringes of love or whatever we want to pass as love. Don Draper couldn't have said it better.

Next we get George Harrison "You Never Know". This comes straight out of a place I am not quite that sure of. The only thing about it is that I know it feels right. This song is better than "Monday" or "Got You (At The End of the Century)" because it isn't copping right off of the Stones. Plus Tweedy is not sermonizing here even though he is speaking to the little kids. Because yeah, everyone young always thinks their generation is the last and that their generation is the worst (I know I do) but he is saying it with a pounding piano 1964 couldn't have invented and those soothing vocals that Jeff Lynne was too dumb to moderate. This song may be so dumb that it isn't worth talking about for so many people, but for me I can't stop talking about it because "I don't care anymore" but "you never know."

"Country Disappeared" this might be the best song that Tweedy has ever written. Formulaic to the end of the earth, but so comforting and reliable in that. The rise and fall from chorus to verse. It is in the end a song. And the band is loose without a doubt, this is a band who is comfortable with each other. Before Sky Blue Sky was released, I told my friend that I hoped Wilco made the loudest album they had ever made because I had seen and heard what they could do live with Nels. They proceeded to make their quietest album. And this song is why; they needed to learn their band dynamics. Tweedy made Being There, not this entire band. This is something we all must understand about Wilco. And besides, Being There was fantastic, but it never broke its shackles as well as this song does.

"Solitaire." Double tracked John Lennon vocals. Acoustic guitar with Yankee Hotel atmospherics. If you are young and not moved by the lyrics to this song then there is something wrong with you.

Then we get Tweedy chanelling Faulkner and the Bible on "I'll Fight." Sure the tune is the same as "On and On and On" from Sky Blue Sky. But I see this as Tweedy knowing his catalogue. He knows that he's done it before and that you didn't like it. But here it is again, better with great organ and keyboards and biting guitars straight from "Getting Better." What else do you want? Maybe he got bored and repetitive. But this album does not suggest a band who is repetitive - it suggests a band who knows their limits and their history, the songs that people scream for them to play so that their night can be complete, better than any band out there - than besides Animal Collective who delete the tracks and music to their fans' favorite songs, which is perhaps what all fans and all people need in general in their lives. But those Animal Collective never had slide guitars and shimmering organs like Wilco on this song.

"Sonny Feeling." And you never thought they'd improve on Summerteeth? But they did, by mixing a standout from Sky Blue Sky (Walken) with "I Can't Stand It ," "ELT," and "Nothingsevergonnastandinmywayagain." Ah fuck, it, they pulled a Being There. And you gave up on them after Sky Blue Sky? Of course they put those little Beach Boy harmonies in there to shut you up.

"Everlasting Everything" brings us to some of the material touched on by Sky Blue Sky and much of Tweedy's work: "Everything alive must die." Tweedy has always been an elementary Tolstoyan at heart. Trying to find the essences of life, which all arise out of death, although he may get confused through his ego and the rock n' roll vocabulary. The production of this song does not suggest an understanding of the themes therein - at first. However, after repeated listens - ah forget it. I will not pretend that I know what this song reveals on repeated listens. What I know is that I like this song and that it sounds important and that they put church bell crashes on it because they felt like it. Glen's drumming has never been better because this song has "Poor Places," "Misunderstood," "Sunken Treasure" and "Hate it Here" in it. And you never thought about those bedfellows before.

So, in the end as the last notes of "Everlasting Everything" fade with the lyrics of everlasting love overcoming all. It is rare that we witness a band in the middle of defining its entire career and knowing itself in and out for good and bad. There have been a handful of bands who have and they usually made double albums because they were deep into drugs and not self-aware of their limits, they just knew them naturally. But Wilco has always been a band not based on natural feel. That died with Uncle Tupelo. Being There feels natural, but that is because Tweedy was guiding it toward natural. Being There is the ultimate of artifice, even more than Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, because at least there - although his songwriting was sure, the production was not sure (although it sounds it, plus his voice sounds less congested). Here Tweedy is sure. Wilco is sure. These guys know each other, they know the songs, they know the studio. They know what it takes to make a great album. For Tweedy (because Wilco will always be measured in Tweedy) this is a coup. Few rock figures have been able to bounce through self-seriousness and depression and light-heartedness as much as Tweedy. And here, just when you were ready to lose your faith in him - he shows you that he knows, because Wilco was always an experiment and it will continue to be, but this is a point for breath, this is when you assess it all. And again, who knows when it will all end?

I won't gush.

And now, "From Here to the Last Mound of Dirt"


Liza

The rain has let up and I’m standing outside wearing my raincoat hood over my head. The afternoon is cool and it still smells like summer. The water in the pool has risen high, almost to the top of the rock ledges. I had to come outside to think. I suppose I could’ve just gone to my room and not given myself away by walking past Tom and dad like I did. But I did keep my calm in front of Eve when she told me about the secret I didn’t know. Why did it have to come from her? I love her but she’s not in my family. She is, but she really isn’t. She isn’t the same as all of us.

How is that your vision of your family changes? So many things are always supposed to change, friends, seasons, opinions, favorite ice cream, and even sex. The way you see your family isn’t. It does, though. First you know your mother and father because you need them. Then you know the number of people in your family because you know your brothers and sister. That stays for a while through car rides and fights and sharing bathrooms and dinner and getting rides places. Then everyone gets older – the secrets start coming out. You find out that your father is a good man but he has a past that is deeply flawed, and that’s OK because you find out that everyone does. And being the youngest you get to hear it all, hear all of the problems and the stories of your brothers and sister, the problems and bad things they’ve done. There is nothing of the original picture of family left. What keeps all of that together in a shape? How are you supposed to see it all when you get older?

“Liza, what are you doing in the rain?” Tom’s voice says.

I turn around and see him walking out the door.

“Oh, it isn’t raining anymore,” he says.

“Yep.”

He shuffles out and stretches his arms. I think he always liked weather like this. It would make sense because it sort of fits his demeanor. He is all kinds of rain and grey but he is also warm. He walks up to me by the pool with his hands in his pockets. His hair is wet and a bit blackish rather than reddish brown. Is he drunk?

“Well what are you doing out here anyway?”

“Just thinking.”

Tom spreads his legs apart and looks down at his shoes. They’re a nice pair of brown loafers; they seem comfortable. He was the neatest of us for sure. He and James were both neat, although James was always bounding around to a practice or running out with his friends could leave messes and things on the floor. Mom never came down so hard on him. Maybe it was because he took on so much. Tom’s shoes look comfortable but he looks messier than usual.

“There’s a lot to think about, huh?” He puts his hand on my jacket shoulder.

I pull my hood off my head and shake my hair. I look up at his face. He is looking forward, but he senses me and so his eyes drift down to me.

“Tom,” I ask. “What are you doing always riding the trains?”

He takes his hand off my shoulder and puts it back in his right pocket. He scuffs his shoes on the wet stones.

“There’s something about it. Something about that moment of travel, even though I’ll always bounce back from the city out here, when the train is moving I feel good. Having a beer and riding a train. Its very simple in a way.”

I nod my head. He’s very stern now thinking about it. I decide to put my hand up on his shoulder. “You could’ve asked me to come to mass.”

He turns down at me. “Don’t you ever think about anything simple?”

I don’t know what he means by that. He seems really curious, though. He wants to know. There are a lot of simple things in the world I guess. I mean don’t they say that you can break down the whole earth and the universe into different math formulas? Those formulas might be tough to understand but numbers are a lot simpler than stars and atmospheres and endless space. I don’t think I’m supposed to find joy in riding a train and drinking a beer. That doesn’t make sense to me. I want to jump into the excitement of the night at school. But then isn’t simple staying with mom, not leaving her alone. Not killing her.

“Are you drunk, Tom?”

He raises an eyebrow. “No.”

“You’re not like dad are you?”

“Don’t you love dad despite this? Don’t you understand?”

“Yeah I do.”


“No, I’m not like dad.”

He hugs me and I can smell beer. His clothes are wet too but he smells like church and faint cologne. The type that most boys smell like. Musk is what it’s called. Maybe this is what happens to family. We fall apart and bring it back together again. But we aren’t so bad. This is just what we’re changing into.

“I love you,” I say to Tom.

“Thank you.”

I open my eyes and over his shoulder, I can see dad standing in the doorway looking out at us and cradling his bottle to his stomach.

In the rain, I walk over to dad and his motorcycle. He put his glass down on the sopping sod and mud.

“Want to ride?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

He regards the motorcycle for a moment. The rainwater is streaming down his nose and over his lips.

“You were so close with your mother. You know she’d never let you ride.”

“But why didn’t anyone tell me?”

He looks past me. I turn around and look at the open hole in the ground where the mourners are standing stiff like cardboard. I don’t even recognize any of them. The hole is filling with water. I hope mom won’t drown. She’s not a fish.

“It wasn’t up to us.”

M.I.A. (Not her, but I think she is sexy?)

Now, I know I have been missing in action for some time; I apologize for this. The last month has been very busy. I got my first vacation time from my job in the year I have been working there so I headed down to Virginia and other parts for a week or so, which kept me from updating anything. But also, I have been working on big music event that will be going on June 12, 2009 in DUMBO. The event is called the Brooklyn Invitational. My friend and I have booked six bands to play. Two or three of which I have mentioned on this very blog (Tony Castles, Motel Motel and Boogie Boarder). You can find all of the information about the event and these bands at the official Brooklyn Invitational blogsite -

THE BROOKLYN INVITATIONAL

Now as far as blog matters are concerned on this blog from blog to blog to blog to blog to blog to.
I have a few posts stocked up for you all (who all?). Namely, a review of the new Wilco album and how it will make you understand the band in toto (#1 NY Times Crossword answer). Also a review of the NBA Finals and my take on the Cleveland Cavalier (read LeBron James) collapse that is occuring. Then, ramblings on Faulker followed by a return to music with a review of the now released Grizzly Bear album Veckatimest.

So stay tuned. I will not treat you wrong, though I may become neglectful and busy, I will never abuse.

Now, the next installment of "From Here to the Last Mound of Dirt"



James

“Everything look in order for tomorrow?” Eve asks me.

“Yeah, I think so. She did a good job getting everything set up beforehand.”

“She was a very organized woman wasn’t she?

We’re sitting on the floor in my room, on the black carpet. The lamp in the corner is on. I can hear Tom and dad laughing downstairs. Sounds travel in this house; they always have. The rain on my window: pit, pit, pit, slowly. Are Liza and Maggie packing up their rooms too? This house needs to be empty by Wednesday.

“Yes, she liked everything to be in place.”

“Did she like me, James?”

I look at Eve in my dark room. Even with the top light of the lamp illuminating the blue walls and the white ceiling, it’s dark. Yes, of course mom liked her. She would’ve loved to be a grandmother to Eve’s child.

“Marry that girl, James. You’ll both make such handsome children.”

She always said things like that in an old-fashioned way. Handsome children. I think she might’ve been jealous of Eve in a way for taking me away. But maybe I’m being to full of myself thinking that way. I should say something instead of just packing these books.

“Of course she did.”

“Are you sure?”

“You knew that didn’t you.”

“It was tough to tell.”

This confuses me because I thought that mom was always warm and welcoming of her into the family. She never said a bad thing about Eve to me not once. But as honest and eloquent as mom could be, you always got a sense that there was a certain silence she kept. She could’ve had reservations about it, I’m sure that a lot of women do when their children get married, sons or daughters. But with the way that dad welcomed her into the family I figured mom must’ve felt the same. Maybe he knows something about it.

“She could be quiet at times, but I’m positive she loved you as much as my dad does.”

She nods at me and places a few more books in the box. The one on top is an old child’s book of mine with quick retellings of the Greek myths. The cover is brown and the print is old looking. It’s been old since I was young. There is a picture of what is supposed to be an ancient Greek looking depiction of Zeus’ face. Eve’s pushes the books down in the box and the cardboard rubs: eek, sccrrp. She’s quiet and her thin eyebrows are drawn down. I know she’s working something out. I know something is coming. Is it what I think it is? I should’ve been honest from the start. She exhales, closes her mouth, her lips part again.

“I sort of wish we could’ve had a baby before she died.”

I feel somewhat relieved and at the same time, I feel even guiltier. I’ll tell her after the funeral. I’m too wound up and concerned about what will happen tomorrow. What kind of behavior dad will be on. What kind of behavior we’ll all be on. Uncle Connor will no doubt be there and they haven’t spoken I don’t think in twenty years at least.

“We couldn’t have known how things turned.”

“I know,” she says. “It would’ve been nice. I know she wanted to be a grandmother.”

“Yeah, I think Maggie knew that enough.”

Eve laughs and then sighs again. She has so many different sighs. I can’t decide which one I like the best, but part of me says it’s the sexual sigh. And I know that’s right even if I don’t want to admit it.

“I feel bad for your sister,” she says.

“Why is that?”

“It seems like your mom put a lot of pressure on her as far as that’s concerned.”

It’s true. There was a lot of pressure put on Maggie, but more pressure put on me. She was the oldest, but she made it clear a long time ago where her priorities were. They belonged in Morocco or New Zealand or Iceland or the far side of Siberia. Whatever was on the other side of the lens.

“No more pressure than the rest of us.”

“I don’t know. I just think being the oldest and a girl maybe your mom expected more out of her. Expected her to be more of a traditional woman maybe?”

It’s amazing how intuitive she can be sometimes. I don’t know if what she just said is true. But it’s not because it isn’t. I never paid attention to that part of the relationship between mom and Maggie. I figured mom accepted who Maggie was after so long and especially after she broke up with Jake. We’d all figured he would be the one to settle her down a little. I liked him a hell of a lot. What is he doing now anyway?

“That could be. I never really thought about it.”

“I don’t know. I just kind of got that feeling. Your mom was intimidating in a way.”

“I never heard anyone say that. You think that?”

“Yeah. I do.”

I’m quiet thinking about it. Thinking about my mom cooking a pork roast on a Wednesday night when I’d come home sweaty and wet from some late March practice. The afternoons still cold and dark. There would be grass stuck to the elastic bands at the bottom of my green sweatpants. I’d put the stick down by the back door and my cleats outside and mom was by the oven. Everything smelled warm and roasting potatoes. I’ll never forget that sensation. That’s one of the things you can’t get back. Is it wrong to associate mom with cooking meat?

“I’m sorry if she was.”

Eve laughs. “It’s nothing to be sorry about…I just…”

She holds off.

“What?” I say.
“I don’t just wish we would’ve had a baby for your mother. I wish we weren’t having such trouble. I mean I really thought the last time…”

I put my arm around her back and pull her close to me. She’s starting to cry. She’s crying into my armpit. With my right hand I rub her back, with my left hand I rub her thigh. Her jeans are soft and worn in. She looks up at me, her face red and moist.

“Don’t you wish it were easier?”

“Of course I do,” I say. “I want kids as much as you do.”

She breathes in her nose, sucking up the loosened snot and making that gurgling stuffy nose sound. She nuzzles against my arm and armpit and I love the way it feels. But what is wrong with me? If I love even the sound of her snot and her puffy crying face then why am I afraid of her child? Our child. What don’t I want to give up? I’m already married; I didn’t have cold feet about that. I don’t miss any bachelor life. I’ve never been afraid to make the next step in my life, but something is holding me back right now. What would mom say?

“You hid my child from me? How could you do that? What is wrong with you?” Eve says.

I’m in court and handcuffed. There is a judge looming in front of me. He wears a wig like an old British aristocrat.

“We find the defendant guilty of cowardice. One of the high treasons of American society.”

He slams the gavel and the guards carry me away by the armpits.

Eve nuzzles me some more and puts her arms around me. She squeezes me tight. I wrap her up too and pull her close. I take in the shampoo of her hair. It still brings me back to our first date when she only kissed me and then gave me a hug. That long hug when all I could smell was her shampoo. That soapy smell like flowers. I knew it was artificial but so artificial that it was realer than real. More natural than natural. Each time I smell it that first love and nausea comes back to me. Even here and now on my floor where I used to pass out drunk or lay with caked sweat from practice when I didn’t even have a clue about her or that she would be pregnant and I’d be hiding from my wife.

I’ll tell her after the funeral.

Talk Talk

"Spirit of Eden" by Talk Talk is one of my favorite albums of all time. I will go on the record as saying that. When I first hear the album, from the opening moments of that very serious tuning or ambiance of the strings in the background to the mournful trumpet notes tempered with distorted guitar, I knew that this was either going to be a pretension fest that I was misled to by my trust in another music review, or the best album that I had ever listened to. Well it was close (2nd best after Bob Dylan's "Self Portrait" {easily the best concept album of all time}) Once that guitar comes in on "The Rainbow" to set the scene, mixing with the haunting harmonica (spooky!) you are immediately drawn in. I have always likened this album to Van Morrison's "Astral Weeks." Both albums deserve the accolade "organic." Because there have been perhaps only three truly organic albums (to my knowledge) in rock history: Astral Weeks, Spirit of Eden, and Laughing Stock (also by Talk Talk). "Organic" being a conception of an album born out of the idea that the musicians and lyricist would not coordinate before recording. Astral weeks was made when Van hired the best chamber musicians possible to play tracks that he would sing along to. There was minimal to no discussion of mood. On "Spirit of Eden" the tracks were not discussed or written out. Talk Talk played these songs as they went along - lighting a candle for ambience. The singer (I don't know his name as I write this so I refuse to look it up) made up lyrics as the songs went along. His voice, in the classic Jagger school, becomes another instrument, bubbling up and along with the instrumental tracks - becoming as passionate as their outbursts are and then subsiding just as quickly. This may be perhaps the best recorded rock vocal of all time.

The flowing nature of the music on this album had me thinking that the first three songs "The Rainbow," "Eden," and "Desire" were all just one song for the longest time. However, when the strange guitar and trumpet moans of "The Rainbow" fade and give way to the piano and strumming acoustic guitar of "Eden" build and then break into a laid back drum beat you sooner or later figure out that this is a different song. Here Talk Talk basically trump all of U2's 80's output. As the keyboards and guitar chime together and rise up while the singer sings "Everybody needs someone to live by" you being to think why there were ever any other bands or lyrics or sex in the world. These outbursts subside into a persistant groove that is only broken by sharp blasts of distorted guitar that then give way to the most clear out of tune acoustic guitar strokes, which then raise into another outburst. Music and instruments have never sounded as good as they do on this album.

"Eden's" guitar chime slowly fades out to quiet. The piano builds again only to die out and give way to strings from a keyboard, then just keyboard and distortion. Then the heavy synthesized organ comes in and "Desire" starts. This isn't any U2 cop out. This is "Talk Talk" and they use the power and refrain of the church organ to drive this song home. When the singer finally starts in with the lyrics you are hypnotized: "Desire, whispered, spoken." The keyboard and organ slowly build into a guitar freak out that is simply one of the best codas I have ever heard and if you do not want to rip yourself apart after you have heard it, then you must have less than half of a heart or the passion of someone who keeps the first job they are given. "Desire" is the type of song that, when you are walking along the street and see a tree in first bloom and realize that the universe and nature are eternal and you are merely a part of that eternity in a very mortal sense and temporary, ties into that deep feeling in your gut - that the world, your friends, your love is impossible and you are merely tied into its whims. "Desire" in reality and in song never gives up.

"Desire" fades and we get a reprieve of rain from the cymbals in "Inheritance." The singer's moan fits the slight jazz snare sweeps and the late night piano until we it what I guess is a chorus that springs out of stand up bass plucks and soars into synthesizer sounds that are too good to have lived past 1990 in order to be destroyed by bands who didn't know how to use them. This gives way to an interlude of clarinet and oboe that hadn't been seen since 1967. How ahead of the time and yet so retro! And once more for good measure we get the sweep of synthesizers. Talk Talk had really understood their peers at this point, had mastered the mastery of their initial angular image and the image of the 80's that was being sold in sight and sound and manipulated it into a completely new sound and art form - something that has become timeless. This is ultimately music of the 80's but set apart from it simultaneously, which is what any artist does and should do with his own generation.

"I Belive In You" is the fifth song. A slow burner that rises to a boil like all of the songs on this album. The singer starts in really haunted on this one though. This is a song that feels like a constant pivotal moment. Here is the singer's finest moment, he hits the emotive levels of "It's My Life" when the weird ghost guitar and organ songs come in. This song is a day in the mist. It makes you feel as though you are ready to explode, especially when the singer moans "Spirits" and the organ, keyboard, and choral backing voices all swirl together and fade away.

Finally, after what seems like an emotional journey, we come to the beginning of the weary "Wealth." The piano is slow and then a true churchly organ comes in and the singer belts "Take my freedom!" Just as soon as you feel redemption, the melody fades back into a low base point of piano, organ, and acoustic guitar, before rising once more into a shimmering hallelujiah. Outside of a religious sanctuary, this is the closest you come to feeling that strange grey feeling that being in any holy place gives you - for good and for bad. This song makes you see the ritual, of either worshipping, of creating, of living and makes you see the holiness. For that is what church hymns do. They are tied to an institution and institutions must always be avoided, but they make you remember the power - the absolute power of melody and intoxication. How you can be swept away by any maudlin emotion of love or worship. There ain't no Jesus and there ain't no Holy Land. I wouldn't vote for either no matter who endorsed 'em. We're always East of Eden - that's way all we have is the Spirit and that's as much a tree or an onion or a beer. And that's what the organ says to me on "Wealth" as it fades away.

A poem:


SATURDAY

The street vegetables heard you sing
Exasperated, thinking of the moon,
Never tired or angry by the oranges –
Just bloated and wanting to cry.

Your favorite movies play on Saturday
And your love seat memories come alive
Even if your skin feels less than
And your patience has drive you mad.

Subways make you think of Desolation Row,
But your mind isn’t satisfied there,
You want something fresh like parsley
A new American song in a peach crate.

The girl you know invites you over
She keeps her soul singers in a box
She tells you about the rates of sex
That a young couple should have.

While she’s asleep in the jade,
You’re out watching the lightning,
Thinking about all of the hurt feelings
And smiles you should’ve hurt much more.

So take a walk then – the backward guitar –
See the rain turn the stoplight magenta
On the pavement, feel the rain on your back;
Turn white, damp flowers into a motto.

Cars keep going but only for so long,
You’ll have to face the sunlight
Your young muscles and your friend
In her navy suit on the way to work.

The cobblestones will turn her to dust
So too will the rails you trip on
Making your way down to the waterside –
Slabs of granite waiting for a picnic.

Where is Monet to paint the crowds?
Where is Monet to paint the willow tree?
The dots gathered on the grassy shore,
The children wading shin deep in silt.

You can see the spot under the Bridge,
The spot where Hart Crane was beaten by sailors.
It’s all under water now crashing with waves
While elevators raise you to your pay.

Maybe we should all jump off of boats
And rip ourselves apart because of a song
To see the mist fall in between pine trees
To want to disappear into the day.

We could all disappear with haircuts
But then we’d all be like you
And no virtue was born of that
But here is April with its showers sure
So this May will be the best in years.
Your friend won’t tell you the story you need.
She won’t tell you of indecision in suspenders,
Of falling on the floor in delirium.
She won’t tell you the truth, because she’s your friend
And she wants to see you by the vegetables,
Alone with the moon to your right
Water in your brown, worn work loafers
And fear, alone gathered in your right hand.

That’s where your song will seed.

Wednesday Night Post

I don't have time to post any new reviews or musings tonight. This weekend I will be going home to camp on the beach with my friend and some dogs. Then it will be Easter Sunday. Next week I will give you some good album reviews and then a preview of the NBA playoffs, which are starting soon and will be some of the best playoffs in years: Kobe, LeBron, Wade, Howard showcase. Tonight, though, another entry in "From Here to the Last Mound of Dirt." Enjoy.


Ben

Who first invented the shape of a bottle? It’s really an ingenious design. It must have been the Egyptians when they were fooling around with the mason jars. I’dve liked to have that as a gift: a collection of mason jars with Egyptian godheads on them. It would’ve been fun to scare the kids by putting fake organs in them. I could’ve made up plenty of lies about them. Haunted hearts, livers that were still living. Tom would’ve been the most scared. My jokes and pranks always worked him up.

But I think there is just something terrific about the shape of it. It’s romantic in a way whether full or empty, though I suppose the empty bottle has been romanticized more in movies and in books as a symbol. Everybody loves a hapless drunk, a haunted loner who lives in the shadows. We want our heroes to fall almost as much as we want them to succeed. I’m not sure I’d know what a hero looked like on the street if I met him. Or her.

I should turn the lights on in here to read but the windows in here and the skylights always give enough real light to see. it doesn’t matter to me whether I carve up a Christian or the first fowl that comes my way. That was always one of my favorite quotes. You could use it as armor when dealing with patients. I’m not that cruel, but it’s nice to pretend it’s possible. I never bothered to read Bovary before. She was the one that told me to read it. It had to be a little bit after James was born. We’d sit here after we put him and Mags to sleep and both read underneath those overhead track lights, which were too bright then so I had the dimmer put in right over there by the back door. We’d sit like two kids back in the college library, except instead of being awkward or passionately fighting off the urge to have sex in public we were married and reading together, tired and I can always remember wanting a drink. I didn’t want to drink; I just wanted a drink to relax with the pages in front of me and nothing but sleep then and patients the next day. She wouldn’t let me. She kept me to that promise and made sure I stuck it out. We are both stubborn people. Well, she was and I still am stubborn.

The island. So many times she’d lean against the marble when I’d get home. I’d see James’ cleats by the back door, dirt on them, maybe a little round mold of mud clay lying on that back door rug. Someone’s notebooks on the table. My mind draws up the era when Mags was out of the house. What imprints that on my memory? Marble countertops and Rose standing there, gray on the edges of her auburn. Her and Mags with the shining auburn. Rose was auburn always. Always auburn. I’m pushing the bottle along the wood table. My bottle of Cutty Sark. Sark the sequel revenge of the sark.

The left leg of my khakis is missing. The most comfortable pair of pants I ever had. My skin all bashed up and black and blue. My ribs wrapped up and my arm draped around Connor. His long hair over the collar of his brown leather jacket. I’d always thought I was more handsome, but that night he seemed the older and more confident brother. Maybe because he saved my life. And Rose rushed over to me; her hair long and auburn and she just leaned into me a bit. Just that little lean made the ends of her hair touch my leg. Something that soft should’ve never touched that injury. Although I was proud of it afterwards - gave my thigh and knee a nice definition even if I had a strange crick and limp when it was too humid. She looked at me. Her face young. I was young too.

“You’re drunk.” She smelled.

“Yes I am.”

“I’ll step in the other room,” Connor said.

“Thank you.”

“A scholar and a gentlehand.”

Connor smiled at me and flicked my ear, his leather arms squeaking. The leather later cracked but worn and comfortable. I wore it.

“This is a long time coming.”

I nodded.

“The motorcycle?”

“Destroyed.”

“Who was it? Billy?”

“No, not that piano playing drunk.”

“Who then?”

“It was this guy. His name was Nicky Schwartz. He was going to introduce me to this comic who’s supposed to be on Saturday Night Live next month.”

“Ben.”

Her hands were always so cold.

“This is going to stop.”

“C’mon, mom.”

She narrowed her eyes. Oh, when her eyes were narrow and gray. What could I have possibly done but to listen? But then she grabbed my right hand, which was wrapped up too and put it on her stomach. The white wrap of my bandagehand on the purple the soft purple of her dress. There were darker purple flowers on it too.

“You almost died.”

“Yes.”

“It has to stop.”

“But I don’t want it too.”

She gripped my hand. I could feel the pressure and I saw her nails digging into the bandage. Her eyes grey and round storms. The old house with the round wood table that had marks from hot plates I put on it without trivets because I didn’t know any better. I could feel her stomach round and my hand looked round.

“Will you?”

Round the cycle spun and round I fell onto the pavement and I’d put a lot of money into that bike and I loved taking care of it but it turned into mangled metal. All of your dreams turn into mangled metal I’d thought then. It’s not true now. I thought of the first time Connor and I got drunk in the field by the barn. I’d stolen the gin and we didn’t know what was what. We drank it without thinking and of course we threw up side by side in the weeds next to the red painted wood.

“Will you?” She asked again.

“Yes,” I said. And that was the beginning of the end. I slept that night in pain and spent the next thirty and more years in pain without a drink. I could’ve made people laugh and I did resent her for that for so long even when I saw the fluid and the blood and James in the artificial light of this world for the first time. I resented her in the off-white porcelain of the jacuzzi and her auburn hair and I resented the fruit smell of so many of her clothes because I couldn’t and I could’ve…

In comes Tom from the back door and he’s wet and his coat is wilted. He pulls off his boots and they thump on that back door carpet. He’s got a beer in his hand. There’s a scrap of brown paper bag clinging to it. His hair is soaked and black.

“Hey, dad.”

“What’s the weather like?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do I need a coat?”

“No, it’s warm.”

I think you might find a lot of answers from the drooping and full flowers and bushes of September in the rain. The square divisions of the window make leaves and branches look like pictures. I hold my hands up and pretend to take a picture of Tom, my second son. He looks at me and sips his beer. He wipes rainwater off his chin. Or maybe its beer.

“A little early to be drinking,” I say.

“What about you?”

“I’ve earned it.”

“Me too.”

I laugh because I like when my kids are quick. It makes me see myself in all of them. It’s a humane mental insurance policy.

“What are you always riding the train for?”

He sits across from me at the table. He stretches his right hand out and touches the golden and curved knob of the right back door. His left arm sweeps back and touches one of Rose’s plants on the sill.

“I like the rhythm of the train. I like looking out the windows.”

“You always liked this one too. Didn’t you?” I point outside at the rain and the leaves and the rocks and the water in the pool and then the fence and beyond that the woods and beyond that the Smith’s house through the woods.

“One of the better ones I’ve looked through.”

“You were at church?”

“Yes.” He sips.

I sip. “They mention your mother?”

“Not that I heard.”

“The bastards.”

I’m quiet thinking of that damn church and how Rose wanted to go every Sunday. My mother wanted me to marry a good woman well I married a good woman a god-fearing woman just like my mother.

“Dad?” Tom says.

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to be alright tomorrow?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Sober?”

“Don’t tell James or Maggie.” I wink.

Tom laughs and takes another sip of his beer. I look him in the eye and nod my head. He slides his beer across the wood and I slide my bottle. The can is cool, wet, and slick. I lift it. Cold beer and carbonation. We make eye contact and laugh together.

“Dad?” He says.

“Yes.”

“Why don’t you keep the house?”

I lean my neck back, look up at the skylight, and see the drops forming a momentary perfect circle and then splash and slide down the glass. There are streaks running in every direction from perfect symmetrical natural liquid circles.

“Because if I couldn’t save her, why would I save the house? It wasn’t ours anyway. It was hers.”

I feel hot and angry but that’s not the way I mean it and that’s not the way I want it to sound. Tom slides the Cutty Sark across the table at me.

“I don’t believe that.”

“Now you’re getting the hang of it.”

He moves to get up. His hands are poised on the table, his forearm muscles are contracted and a vein runs up from along the joint of his thumb’s distal phalange. But he sits back down again, wet with strands of dark grass hair hanging low on his forehead.

“You’re alright, dad.”

“You too?”

“I think so.”

“At least you’re that far.”

Tom and I drink together. I’m not quite sure what time it is but it has to be after noon. Although, I’m not quite sure what the difference is.

God Must Have Been a Tar Heel Fan...

Last night the University of North Carolina defeated the Michigan State Spartans 89-72 in the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship. I had guessed the final score at a BBQ on the rooftop of my BBQ the afternoon before after I had seen UNC take care of Villanova handily on Saturday Night. There is Danny Green up there front and center, Ty Lawson tucked away in the right corner and Roy Williams looking at Danny, smiling and thinking "Daggumit, Danny, after all these years of dealing with your reckless talent and sometimes out of control shots it sure feels good to have this title." What this shot doesn't have in it is Tyler Hansbrough who has become one of the most storied basketball players in NCAA history. Hansbrough will probably not go on to become an amazing pro; he doesn't have a singular skill set. However, he's got strength and he's got an amazing work ethic and if he is drafted to a decent team and fit into a rotation he will definitely provide a surprise contribution and boost off the bench in his rookie season in the NBA.

Also in this picture we don't see Wayne Ellington (my favorite player on this team) Deon Thompson and Ed Davis. These three, along with the three players mentioned above will all be playing in the NBA either next year or in the next year or two after that. It is amazing that this team will have six future pros. The last UNC championship team contributed four future pros: Rashad McCants (who I am still hoping will showcase his talents, seen above #32), Raymond Felton (solid), Sean May (injuries), and Marvin Williams (emerging on a good Hawks team).

This 2009 UNC team has been one of my favorites of all time. I have watched many of these guys (the seniors really) closely since their freshman season in 2005-2006. That year they had ramshackle team with only a handful of players leftover from their championship team in 2005, namely Rayshawn Terry and David Noel (solid roleplayers who had great years). That team had a disappointing second round exit to the 2006 Cinderella George Mason. The next year, my senior year of college I watched as UNC really hit their stride. They had a highly touted recruiting class with Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington and Deon Thompson. Hansbrough had truly become a national story as a sophmore, Green was talented off the bench and Rayshawn Terry had a sweet three point touch and senior leadership. However, as I did my radio show on a Sunday evening in March 2007 (heartbroken for another reason at the time) my heart only broke even more as I was forced to watch on the CBSSportsline.com as North Carolina choked away their regional final to Georgetown in overtime. I am still convinced North Carolina would have beaten Ohio State and then Florida in that Final Four. Last year, my father and I went to the Final Four in San Antonio with the hope of seeing UNC in the final game. Alas, they put up one of the most puzzling performances in sports history against Kansas in the National Semifinal and were gone. My dream of seeing a championship in person ruined.

This year the four was in Detroit, my dad and I decided to skip it. This year UNC was hailed as unbeatable before the season. With all their starters coming back and the top recruiting class in the country. But as this team has been wont to do the past 3 years, they got lazy and played erraticly, relying on their impressive talent to pull the wins in when sometimes defense and serious heart was needed. However, they pulled it together this past March and played like that unbeatable team everyone forecasted and brought home the 5th title for UNC.

For me, I have been a UNC fan since 1993 when I was seven years old. My dad took me, a burgeoning sports fan, to the sweet sixteen in East Rutherford, NJ. We arrived at the game and saw Cincinnati defeat Virginia. When the game was over, I was ready to go. That was when my dad blew my mind by telling me there was a second game. The second game saw UNC defeat Arkansas (who I hated for the 1994 and 1995 Corliss Williamson glory years). That night I became a die hard UNC fan because they stood for the good of basketball, seeing multiple games in one day at one venue. The beauty of the NCAA tournament. A week later on a Monday night my mom let me stay up late and watch the game at the next door neighbors house. While my dad and the other neighborhood dads drank beer and I got to eat chicken wings and stay up to midnight, Chris Webber called timeout when there were none remaining. UNC iced the free throws and won Dean Smith his second national championship. My fandom was cemented (hey little kids can get away with being frontrunners). I rode the glory years and underachievement of the 90's with future NBA stars like Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Antwain Jamison, and Vince Carter and even enjoyed more subtle players like Adema Okulaja, Dante Calabria, Serge Zwicker and even cult players like nasty point guard/Tupac lookalike Ed Cota.

Each season dug me deeper into the rich Carolina history. I learned easy lore like the 1982 team and their epic lineup. How a play drawn up for an earnest freshman started the career of the best player to ever play the game of basketball. I even learned about less heralded eras of UNC such as the Hubert Davis and Rick Fox years of the late 80's and early 90's. I stuck through the down years of Doherty (not a great coach but ended up as a pretty damn good recruiter). And here we are again. We have the glory once more. This is the Roy Williams era. We have the title from 2005 in one of the greatest NCAA Championship games of all time against Illinois (seriously, watch it again if you have NetFlix and 60 beers to kill to yourself). Now, we have the 2009 championship. The icing on the cake for one of the most talented teams of all time. Many of these players will be gone from Chapel Hill come late June when the draft rolls around. However, we still have Ed Davis(will be legendary), Tyler Zeller, Larry Drew III, Marcus Ginyard and the nation's number one recruiting class once more.

God must have been a Tar Heel fan because he made the sky Carolina blue.


Now for the literary side of things. The next installment of "From Here to the Last Mound of Dirt."


Maggie

“Jake, its good to see you again.”

“Seeing you is like a shadow.”

“A shadow?”

“A mystery you mysterious woman of the lens.”

“I think you would’ve liked my mom.”

“Did you ever tell her about the ring?”

“No.”

“I suppose that makes sense.”

He’s growing a beard I think. He has on a trench coat, or is it a pea coat? It’s dark anyway and it has a nice collar and big buttons on it. It makes him look like a man, which he is and always was. The one who gave me my first real orgasm anyway so that has to mean something. At least it does to most girls.

“Are you growing a beard?”

“Am I?”

“I don’t know if you are.”

“What do you want by bringing me here?”

“I don’t know. I think just you and your shadow beard.”

“Well you have it it looks like.”

He turns away from me and walks up along the grass past the other graves and stones. He walks past flapping flags stuck in the dirt and among the green blades. There are flowers too. Red, pink, purple, blue, yellow. The yellows are vivid. I’m not sure if it’s sunny or gray. He’s walking, his coat flapping and hitting his thighs. He looks back at me.

I walk towards him in the sun. Or is it gray?

The rain is falling against my bedroom window. How many days did I look out at the rain? It’s somewhat pathetic to look out at it and wish for things that could’ve been or should’ve been or maybe might be. But you do it when you’re younger. You can’t avoid it because that’s what adolescence is all about – dreams, dreaming and angst. Well, usually that and headphones, Led Zeppelin and pot. How I sat here in high school thinking about whoever my crush was at the time. I even kept a journal too, a running high school social commentary. I can picture my teenage self. I see her with her hair cut short in some sort of feminine rebellion. I can see her little stash of weed in the bottom desk drawer hidden behind old magazines and a small knitting set that was supposed to be a school project. I want to taunt her and her love of boys’ names. Mike, Johnny, Jordan, Blake. Which one do you love the most? Which one do you think you love the most? What are you looking for? And I can see her shrugging at me from my vantage point with my questions. She’s slipping on the headphones with the ripped pad on the right one. I can’t hear what she’s listening to, it’s muffled and she’s picking up a camera from the floor and looking out the window.

I’ve spent most of my life taking pictures and watching people. The moment of capture, motion and identity frozen in time. With photos you can stop blood, you can stop time, it is the static art and when observed closely it can reveal countless things to us about humanity and instantaneous occurrences that occur everyday. The little girl in the purple dress poking a flower in the white marble walls in Dubrovnik. The monk and the crab picture I took in Thailand. Or Even more simply the one of Jake when he spilt the wine and he stood over it with an umbrella as a walking stick.

“Oh, miss! Would you please take a picture of my wife and me?”

A flick of his wrist and the umbrella was lifted; he wrapped his arm around it.

“Don’t you feed her?”

“Please, she’s had a bit of an accident and she’s upset.”

“What seems to be the problem?”

“She was crying over spilt milk and well…”

“Ah, the wine.”

His laughter, hard and loud. Him poking the umbrella in my direction pretending as if it were a sword parrying me. I jumped back and snapped pictures in my socks. He moved closer and closer to me.

“No more business. You’re a dedicated professional woman.”

“It’s not business its art.”

“Shuah shuah.”

“I don’t have that accent.”

He was good at teasing me. He wrapped my waist and persuaded the camera out of my hand and in the same movement gently placed it on the table with the right hand while leaning me back with his left against the back of the couch. We fell over onto the cushions. He slid down to the floor his legs on my stomach and on the couch while his back rested on the rug and his face looked up at me.

“I love you, you know.”

I nodded.

“I’ll clean up the wine.”

I’m fondling my camera in my hand. Don’t look out the window at the rain coming down in the afternoon. Tom walked to church. He’s caught in the rain. Should I have gone with him? He seems strange. I know there is something similar in us. It’s a restlessness in our nature, even though he hasn’t gone anywhere and I’ve been so many places. We both got it from him. I think Tom might be taking all of this the hardest despite the fact that he hasn’t really showed it. He hasn’t shown much of anything since I’ve been here. I’ll talk to him tonight. The funeral is tomorrow.

There are boxes piled in my room, some of them empty some of them with filled with things. There are a few with leftover and old books. It’s mainly the closet that needs to be cleaned out. I haven’t lived here in so long but there are still things in the closet that you think you’ve thrown out but are still there. Old bins full of school papers, old clothes too. I even found a few stuffed animals. My old Winnie the Pooh and the cow that I sewed in home ec in eighth grade. I’ll take pictures of the boxes. There is something absolutely picturesque about them. It might be the cleanness of their shape, how simple and defined they are in their squaredom. This is a messy world and the objects in our boxes are messy too. But the boxes themselves can be beautiful.

There is the grass again. The mound of dirt and the flags sticking up here and there. Dad’s in a suit holding his bottle in his left jacket sleeve. He wears a red rose on his left lapel. There’s a wooden box above the hole and the wind moves the leaves. Someone touches my shoulder. It’s Jake again. He doesn’t have a beard. I think I’ll take a picture of him and the box.

I’ll bring my camera to the funeral.

Will I call him?

“You look beautiful.”

I can feel the singleness of my half full apartment in my slowly emptying room that isn’t even mine.